


Compassionate Causality

by justabensonfanatic



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, Barsonoah, Emotional Intimacy, F/M, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Season 15 onwards, Sexual Tension, Slow Burn, Slow Romance, baby noah
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-06
Updated: 2021-03-12
Packaged: 2021-03-16 15:47:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 30,217
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28584474
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justabensonfanatic/pseuds/justabensonfanatic
Summary: "You know," Barba said after a moment, "I've been told I'm a good listener."Her head shot up from her hands, giving him a look so incredulous and disbelieving that he couldn't help but laugh."When I let someone else get a word in that is," he amended.A simple act of compassion can go a long way...This will be a slow-burn multi-chap Barson fic spanning Seasons 15 onwards
Relationships: Rafael Barba/Olivia Benson
Comments: 176
Kudos: 210





	1. The Stairs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Olivia flees to the stairs after the conviction of William Lewis, Barba follows

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, in the case of the people versus William Lewis, have you reached a verdict?"

God, her chest hurt.

"We have, your honor, but before we read it—"

Olivia blinked. _What?_

"—many of us have serious reservations about the conduct of detective Benson—"

_They don't believe me._

"—that we're not sure how to address."

 _No._ Her eyes flicked over to _him_ without her permission as her hands curled up into balls, her nails cutting into her palms. Her vision swam in and out of focus but she still saw his smug little glance, still felt her skin crawl.

"That's not in your purview."

Olivia couldn't make out Judge Kofax's face—she blinked again—but he sounded annoyed. _Good._ He should be.

"Still, we want that on the record."

_Fuck you._

"Proceed."

This was it. Her ears were ringing.

"On the charge of attempted murder, we find the defendant, William Lewis, not guilty."

No. Her stomach plummeted.

"On the charge of attempted rape, we find the defendant not guilty."

No. _NO._ Everything was hot and the floor was tilting and _he was going to get away with it._ Her eyes began to burn as adrenaline and fear had her poised to flee, "I gotta go," she whispered. Only Brian's whisper in her ear and his hands on her arms kept her still. They weren't done yet.

The jury forewoman continued to speak, "On the charge of assault on a police officer, we find the defendant guilty."

 _Guilty._ The word echoed in her ears as her eyes closed, and she let out a shaky hiss. Her body was shaking, her head fell back. _Guilty._

"On the charge of kidnapping, we find the defendant guilty."

 _Guilty._ It was over. It was all she could think; she barely registered Brian kissing her hair. It was _over._

"Members of the jury, the state of New York thanks you for your service. You are dismissed."

Whispering and movement broke out around her. Judge Kofax was still talking but his words couldn't break through the haze that had taken over her mind. Her hands began to uncurl, palms stinging, and she turned to Amaro beside her who gripped her forearm and gave him a weak smile. At the sharp crack of the gavel, Barba turned around in his chair in front of her to face her and they locked eyes.

"You did it, counselor." Fin's voice came from behind her as she stood to face Barba who made his way over with a little smile.

Amaro was quick to correct Fin, "Liv did it."

The words fell from her lips as Barba reached her, "I can't believe it's over." Her voice sounded fragile. She _felt_ fragile.

"It's over," Cragen agreed, but Olivia didn't respond as Barba's smile became hidden behind his professional mask.

"I'm gonna request the maximum," he stated as he cocked his head, ensuring she was with him. "25 to life."

Olivia felt a rush of gratitude that brought a lump to her throat as she nodded, not trusting herself to speak. All she could manage was a small albeit strained smile. Barba seemed to understand how close she was to crying and simply nodded in return before breaking away.

Brian was quick to speak. "Let's get you home," he said, his eyes gentle as he placed his hand on her arm. She continued to stare and made no move to leave, not yet. She needed to feel the ground beneath her, to allow herself to breathe, to be sure she could walk without collapsing first. "Liv, you coming?"

As Olivia tore her eyes away from the back of Barba's head, she turned to see Brian's face filled with concern. She blinked and nodded once more.

"Yes," she managed over the lump in her throat, her voice barely above a whisper. She swallowed heavily to no avail, "Could you just give me a minute?"

Brian, thankfully, nodded. "Okay."

She sucked in a shaky breath as he turned to leave her alone. Her eyes flicked back to Barba who was flipping through some papers before movement caught her eye.

Lewis.

He was staring at her. Her vision tunneled and the courtroom faded as they locked eyes. The barely concealed rage she saw there, the set of his jaw, the way his nostrils flared... It stole her breath and made her heart pound. She was frozen. Time seemed to stretch on, trapping her there with _him_ until he finally stepped through the doorway and their sickening connection shattered. Olivia shook her head frantically as the noises of her surroundings hit her in full force and the tension that had held her together through this ordeal released her, leaving her body weak and shaky. So weak in fact that by the time her vision cleared she was shocked to find herself moving, stumbling away from _people_ from all those _eyes,_ instinctively finding her way to—she pushed open the door—a stairwell. She gripped the rail making it halfway down before her legs gave out and she gave in, sobs finally racking her body.

* * *

_Guilty._

There had been no pride, no triumph when Rafael heard the word. Only relief. Pure, intense, raw relief. Especially after those first two verdicts. Those two little words had stabbed through his stomach sharper than any knife could, leaving dread instead of blood in its wake. Dread that had fortunately been soothed by his relief, placated by hers, and dispelled by the gratitude she'd silently shown him when she realized she'd never see the bastard again. And she wouldn't. He would make sure of it this time.

_Guilty._

A part of him whispered nastily in his ear that he didn't deserve her gratitude, unspoken or otherwise, not after last time, not after the _mistrial_ but he pushed the thought away. Deserved or not, her gratitude was there. He had heard it in her voice, seen it in her eyes, seen it in the way her lips had pressed together as she smiled at him, a smile so reminiscent of the one she'd given him their first time prepping her testimony.

_"Are you okay?" he asked softly, his forehead wrinkled with concern._

_The tight-lipped smile she gave him didn't reach her eyes. "I'm fine Barba."_

_"Are you su—"_

_"Stop. Please," she pled, voice rough with emotion._

_He immediately froze. Panic crept into his voice, "I'm so sorry, Liv, what can I—"_

_"Don't!" Her voice was as shrill as he'd ever heard it and damn it scared him. And confused him._

_Olivia was flushed, her eyes red and wet as her bottom lip quivered, "You don't understand."_

_"What don't I understand?"_

_She couldn't look at him, "I'll never get through this if you keep being nice to me."_

_He blinked. "What?"_

_"I'm sorry, I just—You're gonna make me cry."_

_He nodded slowly as realization dawned. He knew just what to say. His expression grew uncharacteristically solemn."I'll never be nice to you again."_

_She let out a little huff of amusement, swiping furiously under her eyes, "At least until after we get through this. Until this is over," she looked embarrassed, "Again, I'm sorry."_

_"Don't be," he said, a little surprised to find he meant it, "I am the one making you cry after all."_

_She rolled her eyes at him as Rafael pressed on with their preparations, having carefully tucked this conversation and the question of what it all meant in the back of his head for later. In the end, he came to the conclusion that he had no idea what it meant but the fact his concern could draw such emotion from her? Well, that left him oddly touched._

And just as he was touched then, he was touched now. It had been brief but the entire time, from the moment he'd turned around in his chair to the moment he'd nodded and left her to that smile... Her eyes hadn't left his once. Why it was _this_ Rafael chose to focus on as he flipped through his papers unseeingly, he didn't know, but he had no time to dwell on that or the warmth in his chest. A strangled noise from behind him stole his attention and he looked up.

Lewis was staring at her. The venom in his glare caused Barba's stomach to drop as his head whipped back to see Olivia caught in Lewis's gaze, her face white and her eyes wide. Her body was so tense. A familiar rage began to bubble up in his stomach at her fear until it quickly morphed into concern as Olivia stumbled back almost robotically and bolted.

Rafael reacted immediately, tossing the papers in his hand haphazardly into his briefcase as he scanned the courtroom for Cassidy or Amaro. They weren't there. Fuck.

Indecision stalled him momentarily as he tapped his fingers against his briefcase until his eyes landed on the empty chair Lewis had been occupying. His eyes narrowed. He couldn't leave her. The case was over; he no longer had to dance along the line of personal and professional, worrying every second of the way that he'd once again be the reason Lewis walked free. His mind was made up. He gave a sharp nod to no one, dropped his briefcase, and turned the way she'd fled.

He'd been her lawyer. Now was time to be her friend.

* * *

A part of her vaguely wondered if this was what melting felt like as the cold lump of pent-up emotion in Olivia's body began to slowly thaw and leak out of her with every strangled sob. Her eyes burned, tears streamed hot and wet down her cheeks, and her nose wouldn't stop running no matter how much she sniffled, leaving her damp and drained. Her hand clutched the railing as she continued to slowly expel all the feelings she'd hidden away throughout all this when the sound of the door opening yanked her back to reality. _Fuck._

She didn't move, couldn't move as footsteps sounded out over her ragged breathing. When they stopped next to her, Olivia grit her teeth and continued to stare at the floor expecting Brian or Nick.

"Liv?"

Her head shot up in spite of herself, "Barba?"

His eyes were soft as he gestured next to her, "Can I sit?"

Still blinking with surprise she nodded, not bothering to hide the way she swiped at her tears as he sat, "What are you doing here?"

"Checking in on my friend," he said simply.

His kind expression became too much to bear and she turned her head, "I'm fine."

"Bullshit," he said, not unkindly.

She couldn't help it. Olivia's face crumpled once more as her shoulders began to shake. She could almost feel Barba watching her and the icy knot in her chest splintered a little as shame and embarrassment washed over her. Her eyes began to burn once more and she opened her mouth to beg him to leave but was stopped by the comforting warmth of his hand on her back. The splinters melted into tears.

Rafael waited for her sobs to cease. "I'm sorry," he murmured after a minute or two, his remorse obvious.

Olivia sucked in a shaky breath and cleared her throat, "Don't be, you're right," her head dropped into her hands, muffling her voice, "I'm not fine."

"You know," Barba said after a moment, "I've been told I'm a good listener."

Her head shot up from her hands, giving him a look so incredulous and disbelieving that he couldn't help but laugh.

"When I let someone else get a word in that is," he amended.

Olivia shook her head smiling little at his antics. When he continued to say nothing, waiting for her to speak, her face grew somber. She sucked in a shaky breath and dived in. "I know I said it's over, and-and it is," she began, her voice breaking off as her eyes squeezed shut.

Rafael's heart ached. "But...?"

"But it's _not_ over," she cried, "It still _happened!_ And I have to live with that. I have to _move past it,_ " she said spitefully as if quoting someone.

"If anyone can it's you." His voice was quiet but deadly serious.

Olivia's lips twitched upwards before her eyes narrowed. "Since when are you so... nice?"

Rafael rolled his eyes, "I'm always nice."

"No you're not," she said bluntly.

He smirked, "I _did_ tell you that I'd never be nice to you again, remember?" he half-joked, his heart clearly not in it. After a second he frowned, "This trial has been hell," Barba stated, staring at nothing. Olivia silently agreed, waiting for him to continue. "It was hell for so many reasons Liv, but mostly because I couldn't be there for you like I really wanted to." She looked confused. "I couldn't be your friend because I had to be your _prosecutor_ ," he elaborated bitterly, "Above all I had to be damn sure I didn't mess this up." His eyes darkened, "Again."

Olivia immediately shot him a sharp look, "It wasn't your fault!" she said hotly, "The mistrial."

Rafael shrugged, "Logically, I know that,"

"But...?" she prompted.

"I still feel guilty. If I'd tried harder or—"

She cut him off with a spirited glare. "Stop that. You have nothing to be guilty for."

He gave her a shy smile, "Thank you." Silence fell once more as they sat there until Barba looked at her accusingly, "Wait a minute. How did this get around to you making _me_ feel better?"

Olivia gave him a wry smile, "I'm good at what I do counselor,"

"Mhmm..." he hummed, crossing his arms as he scowled.

Her laugh at his expression faded quickly as her eyebrows furrowed. "I hate that you know everything," she stated suddenly.

His eyes grew distant. "I'm sorry."

Olivia ignored his apology, continuing as if he said nothing, "Although," he looked over at her curiously, "Trial or not, I suppose if I had to tell anyone, I'd choose to tell you,"

Rafael's mouth dropped open, utterly shocked. As he struggled for words, Olivia blushed.

"Really?" he finally choked out.

"Yeah," she shrugged, "You don't... treat me differently," her face twisted with disgust," Like I'm _fragile._ "

"Why would I?"

Olivia looked at him as if he were stupid.

He didn't back down, "Why would I? You're not fragile, Liv. No one fragile could survive what you did let alone take him to court. You are not fragile." He looked annoyed now, "Who the hell is treating you like that?" She didn't say anything. "Fine, don't tell me, but whoever they are, they're an idiot," he said bluntly.

She smirked a little at that. "Whatever Barba."

He shook his head at her stubbornness but dropped it. After a moment, he was reminded of something. "I'm going to request that the records for this trial be sealed," he said, eyeing her to gauge her reaction.

"You can do that?" she asked, hope creeping into her voice.

"I can certainly try," he said confidently.

She gave him a broad smile. "Thank you."

A comfortable silence fell over them once more and Olivia found herself instinctively relaxing as a wave of exhaustion hit her hard. Her eyes drifted shut. The sound of Rafael breathing next to her was oddly soothing and before she could overthink anything she found herself leaning her head against his shoulder. His eyes widened in surprise but he said nothing as she let out a sigh.

"You're a good friend Barba."

Warmth bloomed in his chest as he smiled down at her, "I try, Liv."

Her lips twitched, "I know."

* * *

_So this is what melting feels like..._


	2. A Late Night Call

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Olivia wakes up alone after a nightmare and calls the first person she thinks of: Rafael Barba.   
> Orrr... 2000 something words of pure Barson angst/comfort and, as a bonus, a fun story from one of their college years...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahh thank you guys for the wonderful feedback both through reviews and kudos, I really appreciate it! I'm having a lot of fun with this story so I hope you guys like this next chapter as much as I do. Enjoy!   
> Also if you want, you can find me on Twitter @justabensonfan

She woke with a gasp, her heart pounding as she reached over only to grasp at air and empty sheets. That's right. Brian was undercover. Again.

Knowing this did nothing to help with the adrenaline pumping through her veins as her eyes frantically scanned her darkened room, wincing and waiting for _him_ to jump out from somewhere. She could feel herself shaking. It had been a bad one tonight. A vivid one. One she wasn't sure was over. God her skin was crawling. She risked a glance next to her. Still empty. She shook her head. Of course. Did she expect Brian to magically appear?

Lewis hissed in her ear, _You expect_ me _to appear._

A chill ran down her spine. She wasn't making any sense. She needed to make sense.

Barba.

There was no thinking involved, only instinct and the knowledge that Barba was logical, Barba would know if this was real, Barba wasn't _fucking undercover_. Barba put _him_ away.

The phone was ringing before she realized she'd dialed it.

He answered on the third ring.

_"Hello?"_

His voice was rough with sleep.

_"Hello?"_ he asked again. There was a rustling noise. _"Liv?"_

She sucked in a shaky breath, "Barba. It's me."

* * *

_Who the fuck is calling so late?_

Rafael groaned and rolled over to his bedside table, swearing softly as he picked up his phone, too tired to even read the contact name.

"Hello?"

All he could hear was panicked breathing. _What the hell?_

"Hello?"

No one answered. Worried now, he pulled his phone back from his ear to see "Olivia Benson" lighting up his screen. _Shit._

"Liv?" he asked cautiously.

" _Barba. It's me."_

God, her voice was shaking, "Olivia, what's happening, are you okay?"

A million scenarios ran through his head as he simultaneously pushed himself upright and checked his watch. 2:47.

_"I..."_ Her voice trailed off; she seemed to be gulping for air.

Anxiety stabbed his stomach as he spoke louder, "Are you hurt?"

Her voice was small, _"No."_

He pushed his hair back off his forehead with a shaky hand. _Thank god._ "Where are you, Liv?"

_"Home,"_ she whispered. _"Alone. I think."_

His eyebrows furrowed, "You think?"

_"I don't know!"_

* * *

Her eyes darted around the room as she pulled her legs to her chest, clutching her phone like a lifeline. God, this was a stupid idea.

_"Olivia?"_ Barba asked a moment later, _"Please talk to me."_

Oh god, she wanted to but her face was hot with embarrassment. "I shouldn't have called," she mumbled, "I'm f-fine."

_"Do not hang up on me Olivia."_ Her lowering hand froze as she swallowed heavily. _"Please,"_ he added gently, _"I'll worry if you do."_ Olivia's heart clenched. _"Talk to me. What's the matter?"_

Her face crumpled as it poured out of her in short bursts, "Brian is gone. He's undercover. And I—I woke up. Alone."

_"Ah..."_ he breathed.

Her eyes squeezed shut at his understanding tone. How did he always know?

"I keep thinking—I know it's stupid but... he's not—?"

_"No,"_ Barba reassured her immediately, _"He's gone. He's in jail."_

Some of the tension in her body faded as she let out a shaky sigh. "Good. Yeah, good."

* * *

His heart ached for her. She'd mentioned trouble sleeping in passing and although he knew the reality of PTSD and hyper-realistic nightmares through his work with sex crimes, it couldn't prepare him for this. For actually hearing it. And where the hell was Cassidy?

"I know you hate it but I have to ask," Rafael said reluctantly, "Are you okay?"

There was a heavy silence before he heard a soft sigh. _"Not really."_

_Damnit._ At least she was being honest. "Do you need me to come over?" Rafael winced at how timid he sounded.

_"No."_

"Okay," he said simply, "If you think of anything—"

_"Can you talk to me?"_ she blurted out, _"Just... talk?"_

"Of course," Rafael's shoulders relaxed at the idea of a tangible way to help her, "Anything in particular, or should I just go for it?"

_"Just go for it,"_ she said quietly, _"But, uh, no work talk. Please."_

"Alright."

_"And,"_ she added, her voice a little stronger, _"Bonus points if you can make me laugh."_

His lips twitched, "Ohh you're on," he quipped, racking his mind for the best story he could think of. After a pause, he smirked.

* * *

Olivia focused on her breathing and willed her body to relax as Barba started to speak.

_"So it's the first week of my freshman year of college, right?"_ he began—some of the anxiety gnawing at her stomach faded as she let his words wash over her— _"And I'm living in this tiny little cupboard of a dorm room with these two other guys and it's_ hot _."_

"Oh, really?" she blurted out, her tone suggestive and her filter all but gone as her arm dropped from where it was wrapped tightly around her legs, "How hot?"

_"Oh shush you,"_ he griped good-naturedly, causing her to grin, _"You know what I meant."_

"I do," she agreed, shifting to roll her shoulders out, "But it's so fun to tease you."

_"Anyways..."_ Barba drawled, ignoring her, _"That first week was swelteringly hot and because it's a freshman dorm, we obviously didn't have AC."_

"Obviously," she snarked, more to distract herself than anything as she slowly loosened her grip on her sheets.

He plowed on as if she hadn't spoken. _"Now, unlike most everyone else, I didn't really see the big deal, having grown up without AC, but my roommates?"_ Olivia could vividly picture him shaking his head, _"They wouldn't stop bitching about how hot it was. And they weren't the only ones..."_

After a beat, she snorted. "Are you really pausing for dramatic effect right now?" she asked, rolling her eyes.

_"Do you want to know what happened or not, 'Livia?"_ he asked, more teasingly than irritably.

"I do, I do..." she assured him, bringing her free hand to rub under her eyes, "Go ahead."

_"I can't just 'go ahead,'"_ Barba retorted, _"I still need a proper dramatic pause."_

"Oh my god, you're ridiculous," she said, her voice fond.

_"And you're interrupting! I know it's hard but do you think you can find it in you to shush, Benson?"_

Olivia let out an exaggerated groan, "Ugh, fine. Pause away."

Silence fell.

_"Shit. Where the hell was I?"_

Olivia burst out laughing.

* * *

A rush of affection and relief flooded his body at the sound of her laughter, followed quickly by a pang of disappointment that he couldn't see her face. Olivia Benson, he'd found in all his time knowing her, very rarely laughed. She was more prone to a smirk or a huff of amusement as she shook her head than a laugh. She laughed so rarely in fact, that he'd only seen her do it once.

He'd been chasing that high ever since.

_"I think when you left off, your—"_ she snorted, _"Your really hot roommates were complaining about the heat?"_

"I want you to know I'm scowling," Rafael said stiffly, simply for the pleasure of knowing it would amuse her.

It did. " _Oh, I know,"_ she said smugly, _"I can hear it in your voice."_

"Mhmm..."

_"Go on, then, what happened freshman year?"_ she asked eagerly.

"So impatient," he teased before continuing on, "But I won't keep you waiting. Like I said before, it was hot, it was crowded, and I didn't really care. Turns out that for some reason, the fact I didn't care, that I didn't complain about how hot it was just happened to piss some people off."

_"'Just happened,' Barba?"_ Olivia asked incredulously. _"Now why don't I believe that."_

He smirked, "Looking back I can't really blame them. You know how hot weather is, everyone all sweaty and uncomfortable. I doubt I would've liked a 'scrawny loudmouth smart-ass,'—not my words—rolling their eyes every time I complained about it."

_"You did not!"_ Olivia gasped.

"Hey! I was a hothead when I was younger okay?" he defended himself, "Besides, my admittedly snide comments didn't warrant the group effort that led to me being locked out of my dorm building!"

_"True,"_ she admitted, before snickering, _"'Scrawny loudmouth smart-ass.' Who gave you_ that _nickname?"_

"Oh, we're getting there," he said with a wicked grin.

* * *

Olivia's eyebrows shot up, "Should I be getting excited?"

_"Maybe,"_ he said evasively before continuing, _"Let's see, where were we...? Oh yes, it's 1 o'clock in the morning on my third day of college ever, I'm locked out of my dorm building, and even better, I'm not wearing a shirt! Because, as everyone around me was so keen to point out, it was fucking hot!"_

God, his enthusiasm was contagious. So much so, that Olivia found herself leaning forward to listen, smiling as she realized it's been a while since she'd last scanned her room for _him_. It was almost shocking how quickly he'd distracted her.

Honestly though, the more she thought about it, it really shouldn't have come as a surprise to her that Barba would be able to distract her so easily. He'd always been good at stealing her attention; how could he not? From the moment they'd met—well maybe not the moment they met; she still couldn't believe he'd said that sometimes—he'd been something of a marvel. Rafael Barba just had this energy to him that drew people in. Now, most people, they couldn't see past that energy, past his cocky smirks and snappy comebacks but she... He actually let her see the man behind the suit. She'd seen glimpses of this man before now, especially during the whole Alex Muñoz debacle for one, and, of course, during their prep for his trial, but sitting together on those stairs... Something had shifted. And she liked it. She liked being closer to Barba, liked learning about some of his more hidden qualities.

For example, Rafael Barba, she was coming to find, wasn't just passionate about law. As far as she could tell, he was passionate about everything. Or at least passionate about anything he happened to devote his energy towards. Including storytelling.

His voice was animated as he continued; if she had to guess, he had reached the level of enthusiasm where he started talking with his hands, _"So at this point, I'm starting to get really annoyed. I'm locked out, banging on the door but everyone's ignoring me. That's when I remember the seemingly friendly voice of my RA in the back of my mind. Surely the Resident Assistant will help me out, right?"_

"I'm guessing she didn't then?" Olivia speculated, her voice amused as she tucked a strand of hair behind her ear.

_"No, she did,"_ Barba said as she looked at her hand, pleasantly surprised to find it no longer trembling, _"But how was I supposed to know I'd just met an arguably more dangerous version of medusa?"_

"Oh really?" she said curiously, "That bad, huh?"

_"You tell me. You've met her after all."_

Olivia's eyes narrowed before her jaw dropped as the pieces clicked together, "Your RA was Rita Calhoun?!" she gawked, "You're joking!"

_"I wish. Rita Calhoun," he said solemnly, "was my RA."_

"And the person who called you a 'scrawny loudmouth smart-ass' I'm assuming," Olivia said shaking her head with disbelief.

_"You assume correctly, but that was later. For now, little freshman Rafael was blissfully unaware that the same person who so kindly and irritably let him into the dorm at 1 in the morning would later give him that charming nickname sophomore year. That she-devil."_

The harshness of his words was undercut with a brotherly fondness that caused her to smile. "I had no idea you and Calhoun went back so far!"

_"Not many people do, it's something we're both deeply ashamed of,"_ he joked, _"Although, when she does tell people, she loves to mention how we met. Thinks it's embarrassing for me or something.'_

"But of course," Olivia rolled her eyes, "Wow. Rita Calhoun was your RA..."

_"And I'll deny it if you ever repeat it, got it, Benson?"_ Barba half-joked.

"It won't leave this room—or this call? Wherever. You know what I mean."

_"Thanks,"_ Barba said gratefully before he paused, _"You sound better."_

"I feel better," Olivia admitted.

_"I'm glad,"_ Rafael said sincerely, _"You know if you ever want to talk about anything, I'm here for you, right?"_

"I do," she said, her eyes closing briefly as a shaky breath escaped through her teeth. "Thank you. For talking to me."

_"Always."_

* * *

Rafael could no longer hold back his exhaustion as he unsuccessfully attempted to stifle his yawn.

Olivia was quick to speak, _"I should let you go. It's late."_

It _was_ late. So why did the idea of going back to sleep disappoint him so much? "Okay, but you don't have to, Liv. If you don't want to."

_"I... okay."_

The sound of her gentle breathing was in stark contrast to the harsh pants he'd heard when he'd picked up.

"Liv?"

_"Mhmm?"_

"Can I ask... Why did you call _me_?"

Olivia let out a little hum, _"Good question,"_ she said with a soft huff of air, _"There's a lot of reasons, I guess,"_ she finally said, _"I wasn't exactly thinking straight... Calling you was more instinctual than anything."_

"Oh," he choked out, surprise stealing his ability to speak. _Instinctual..._ His heart shouldn't be thumping like this.

_"It makes sense,"_ she continued, oblivious to his speechless state, _"I mean, you put him away for one. And you've already seen me break down."_

"Uh-huh." His jaw was slack.

_"It's only natural I'd reach out to you."_

Natural. Instinctual. Wow.

_"I guess part of me knew you'd be able to help."_

"I'll always try," he affirmed quickly.

_"I kno—"_ she began, cutting herself off with a yawn of her own. _"Damn. We really should sleep."_

Rafael swallowed his disappointment. "Yeah. We should."

_"I know I said it earlier but again. Thank you. So much."_

"Always. Sleep well, okay?"

_"I'll try."_

"Goodnight Liv."

_"Goodnight Barba."_


	3. Forlini's

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Our favorite pair grows closer and sudden change leads Rafael and Olivia to Forlini's...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to @immen_sity for the inspiration for the end of this chapter!

To their equal surprise, that call soon became the first of many. While they could honestly attribute it to the emotional connection they'd slowly started to forge, they both shied away from that idea, choosing instead to blame their frequent talks on pretty much anything else.

_"Don't get too excited, I'm only calling out of pity, Barba."_

_"Mhmm sure," he drawled, "And I only picked up because I'm bored."_

Not that there was anything wrong with frequent calls or emotional connections, of course. They just... didn't like thinking about it too much. For a variety of reasons that they _also_ didn't like thinking about too much. For now, they were simply content with the fact that they just seemed to understand each other on a level neither were quite used to. They liked it, that's all. Simple as that.

Unsurprising to both of them, Olivia had been the first to point out how often they were calling each other. On the fourth night after their first call—and subsequently their fourth nightly call—she brought it up cautiously, almost as if afraid he'd hang up right there.

_"I don't usually call people every day," she said tentatively._

_"Nor do I," he responded with equal tact before rushing to assure her, "Not that I mind it, of course."_

_"Of course," she immediately agreed, "I don't mind either."_

_"Good," he said, sounding relieved, "I'd have to call you out for hypocrisy if you did, as it_ was _you who started this."_

_Her eyebrows shot up, "Are you actually saying_ I _started this?"_

This then led to a lively debate over whether or not her frantic call at three in the morning actually counted as their first call or if it was his call the next night that did. This debate finally culminated in an admission of guilt from both parties because, they agreed, no matter who called first, the other _did_ have to pick up after all.

_"It takes two to tango, Liv."_

_"You know I don't dance."_

Naturally, these calls became less frequent once Cassidy returned from his latest undercover operation but they certainly didn't stop. Olivia and Rafael had grown used to their chats and both had seen no reason to stop them. It wasn't as if they were hiding anything after all and as far as Rafael was concerned, Cassidy wasn't a good enough reason to stop talking to Olivia. And he rather did like talking to Olivia.

_"With you, I no longer need to complain to my pillow," Rafael said, too exhausted to be embarrassed._

_"Lucky pillow," she snarked, unable to hold back a grin._

Now whether or not Cassidy liked that they called, Rafael had no idea and no plans to find out. Besides, if he was being completely honest with himself, he couldn't care less if Cassidy disapproved or not. The fact he was undercover so often rubbed him the wrong way and Barba still held some resentment over the fact that it had taken him _two whole days_ to realize Olivia was missing. He'd never said any of this aloud to her, of course, but she still seemed to pick up on the distaste he tried to keep hidden. For this reason, Brian Cassidy one of the rare topics they never really talked about.

Other than her boyfriend, Olivia and Rafael talked about everything from work, to more embarrassing college stories. Conversation was never forced as they spoke about their lives, their similarly unhappy childhoods, their everyday activities, and achievements. Hell, updating Barba on her life became so natural that when Olivia finally got the news of her promotion, he was the first to know besides her captain.

_"Oh wow, congratulations, Liv!" he cried, "That's wonderful news."_

_"Thank you," she gushed, her eyes crinkling with happiness, "It's hard to believe I'm actually going to be Sergeant Benson."_

_"You deserve it Liv," he said sincerely, "You really do."_

_"Thank you, Barba, really."_

_"You must be thrilled."_

_"Oh I am," she assured him before she paused. "The only thing is, they usually move new sergeants into different units."_

_"Ah..." he breathed._

_"Exactly. Luckily, the captain said because we're so short-staffed he may be able to convince 1PP to let me stay but if he can't..."_

_"You'll have to leave SVU..." Rafael's forehead furrowed, "That'll definitely be a change."_

_She sighed heavily. "I know."_

_"But," he said, "Maybe Cragen will be able to convince them. Until you know for sure, there's no use working yourself up over this."_

_"Since when are you an optimist?"_

_"Since you decided to become a pessimist."_

_"Touche," Olivia yielded. "I know I shouldn't catastrophize but I can't help but think about it. I've been at SVU for 15 years, Barba."_

_"Damn, that's a lot."_

_"Watch it," she joked, "You're gonna make me feel old."_

_"Sorry."_

_"I'm just kidding," she assured him, "But seriously. I don't know what to think about it."_

_"Talk to me."_

_"On the one hand, I'm glad to be moving up, but on the other, I can't help but think of those four months after..._ him _."_

_"What about them?" he asked softly._

_"All I wanted was to come back to work. To SVU."_

So when she got the news that she'd be allowed to stay at SVU? She'd been rightly overjoyed. Sergeant Olivia Benson of the Special Victims Unit… It seemed like a sign, like proof that she was actually moving on, growing even. It was something to celebrate.

_"I'm having a dinner party," Olivia said suddenly._

_"I see, and I am to assume this is an invitation, I'm guessing?"_

_She rolled her eyes, "I suppose you are."_

_"Good! When is it?"_

Rafael couldn't make it, unfortunately, and neither could Brian but the celebrations were fun anyway. Proof that she would always land on her feet stronger.

And then the rug got ripped out from under her feet once more. And she stumbled.

Not as badly as Nick had, of course. Paralyzing a 14-year-old, witnessing his family getting shot at… She couldn't imagine. No doubt it didn't help that it had been Brian investigating him. God, the look on Nick's face when she offered her apartment as a place to stay had spoken volumes.

_"With you and Cassidy? No way."_

But it wasn't even that that threw her. No. It was sitting in front of that damn little IAB camera. Not only did it throw relief on exactly how precarious Nick's situation was but it also was a lovely reminder of the last time that _fucking_ camera was pointed at her. Sitting there as she made her _statement,_ her captain beside her...

Her captain...

Olivia's thoughts were on him as she stared unseeingly at the door through which he'd left.

Captain Don Cragen was retiring.

As she stood there in his—no, her—office, trying and failing to blink back tears, his words echoed in her head.

_"It's done and so am I. I'm leaving."_

He was done. Leaving. Leaving SVU. _Leaving her._ God, it was unthinkable. But here she was, eyes stinging, throat closed.

_"It's not easy going from player to coach,"_ he'd said.

She felt an inexplicable urge to laugh. Not easy? Try impossible.

_"I gave my whole life to NYPD and I forgot to live my own."_

His warning was clear.

_"Take care of yourself. You deserve it."_

_I'll try, Cap. I'll try._

* * *

How long she stayed there, frozen, staring at nothing she couldn't say, but her eyes were still burning when her phone buzzed and shook her out of her stupor. She moved robotically, pulling her phone out to find a text notification from Barba. She unlocked her phone.

— _Still at work?_

She sucked in a shaky breath before typing out a response.

— _Yeah. Got some news._

His response was quick.

— _Good or bad?_

She swallowed heavily at that. Good question. After a moment, she decided not to decide and pressed send.

— _It's complicated._

Her eyes glazed over as she watched the little speech bubble pop up as he typed until her phone vibrated a minute later. It was one word.

— _Forlini's?_

She didn't hesitate.

— _Meet you there._

* * *

Olivia was at the bar absentmindedly tracing her finger along the curved rim of her glass when Rafael pushed through the door into the familiar bar. Her mind was very clearly elsewhere as he made his way over to her and slid onto the barstool next to her. He winced as he caused her to startle.

"Barba. Hi," she managed over the lump in her throat.

"That's scotch," he noticed pointing at the drink in her hand as he eyed the empty glass next to it, "Not exactly your usual," he commented, his voice inquisitive as he nodded at the familiar bartender to indicate he was fine with his usual.

"Aren't you observant?" she said, her voice dripping with sarcasm. When he gave her a look she winced at her icy tone. "Sorry." She stared down at the amber liquid, "Wine wasn't going to cut it tonight," she explained vaguely.

His eyebrows furrowed, "Interesting," he said softly before cutting to the chase. "What's this news, then?" She pressed her lips together into the strained half-smile Rafael associated with her emotional pain and he frowned. _Fuck._ "Is it Amaro," he guessed with a hint of concern, "I thought he was cleared. You said they shot at his house, he's not hurt is he?"

"It's not Nick, he's fine," she assured him, "He's actually going to be staying at my place for a while until this blows over," she said, stalling a little.

"Even with Cassidy there?" he asked, his voice dubious.

Olivia's lips twitched, "Yes, even with Brian," she rolled her eyes. "He's never home anyway," she added somewhat bitterly.

Rafael tactfully chose to ignore that and smiled gratefully at the bartender as he placed his drink in front of him.

"Anyways..." she said once he'd taken a sip, looking a little awkward at having said that aloud.

"This news?" he prompted.

Her eyes closed briefly, "Cragen is retiring."

_Damn._ His eyebrows shot up, "Oh."

She paused to sip at her scotch. "He's going off to see the world with Eileen."

Rafael said nothing, recognizing her need to work through this aloud right now.

"I'm going to miss him," she choked out, "So much. First Munch and now—" Her voice cut off with a strangled sob but she shed no tears.

Rafael's heart ached for her but he restrained himself. From the sad attempt at a glare she was giving him, Rafael knew not to comfort her, not in public where'd she'd certainly break down crying.

"And now Cragen," she finished a moment later, her voice rough but composed.

"I'm sorry Liv," Rafael said quietly.

"I don't know how I'm going to do this," she whispered, more to herself than him.

"How you're going to do what?"

She looked up at him, "I'm commanding officer now."

"Oh shit," he blurted out. "Sorry, sorry. Pretend I said something really reassuring."

Olivia snorted, "Mhmm. I think 'oh shit' is right." She downed the rest of her glass and called the bartender over for a refill.

Rafael made no comment as she downed that one too.

"On the bright side," he said suddenly, "I'd say this calls for congratulations."

She looked at him incredulously, "How? How, Barba?"

"Technically, I think you just got one hell of a promotion."

Olivia's eyes crinkled with amusement as she shook her head at him grinning. Rafael's eyes sparkled above his glass at her as he sipped his drink and she recalled her captain's words.

_"Me and Eileen... It's a hail Mary. A shot at happiness."_

_Happiness..._

The warmth of her cheeks should've been a warning sign but the words fell from her lips before she could stop them, "Why can't I just be happy?"

He eyed her cautiously, "The downside of being human."

She rolled her eyes, "I know that. It's just... It should be easier. It should be fucking easier." She knew the scotch had loosened her tongue but she couldn't seem to care right now. "It's not fair."

Rafael's eyes softened, "I know 'Livia. It really isn't."

"Don't look at me like that," she snapped.

"Like what?"

"All sad for me."

"I'm sorry," he said remorsefully.

She eyed him warily, "It's okay. Does that congratulations of yours come with a drink?"

"It does now, I guess," he said slowly, "What'll you have?"

"Another of these," she tapped her glass on the bar, "I like them."

"Are you sure?" he asked.

"Yep," she said simply.

"Okay." He eyed her before calling the bartender over and ordering refills for them.

"God, Amaro is going to be a pain, I can already tell," she complained to him as he handed her her drink. "He's on desk duty 'til I say otherwise."

Rafael grimaced, "That sounds like a later problem," he said tactfully, "For now..." he held his drink up to her, "To you."

Her face lit up as she grinned, "Thanks!"

Barba bit back a wince as she downed the drink in one go. _Shit._

Olivia was pleasantly warm now.

"Did you have dinner?" Rafael asked her.

"Not yet," she said flippantly, as she fiddled with the empty cup in her hand.

"Well, fuck," he muttered to himself. "Are you hungry?" he said louder.

"Kinda," she was almost swaying now as she swiveled around to look at the other patrons. As she took in the sight of the other bargoers, her body began to tense up. "I wanna leave," she decided, the words coming out slower than she expected.

"That seems like a good idea, Liv," Rafael said, "Let me pay and—"

"I can pay, too!"

"I know, but congratulations right?"

Oh yeah. "Right."

A moment later, Barba was back. "Let's go. How'd you get here?"

"Drove."

"Give me your keys."

"Okay."

Her car beeped and it's lights flashed. When she went to get in the driver's seat, Barba put his hand gently on her arm. "I'll drive okay?"

She just nodded, staring at his hand on her arm until he drew back and cocked his head at her.

"You coming?"

She nodded mutely and moved. It took her three tries to open the passenger door before she climbed in somewhat clumsily. She did a double-take when she saw the driver's seat empty before realizing Barba was next to her making sure she wouldn't fall. "Oh. Thanks."

"No problem Liv." The door closed shut.

By the time she got her seatbelt on, he was turning the keys. "Hey, Liv?" Barba asked, "Do you think you could put directions on or should I do that?"

"It's in the car," she said, poking at the built-in GPS.

"Thank you." After pulling up the directions, he pulled out onto the road.

"Barba?" she asked after a moment.

"Mhmm?"

"I'm sorry."

"It's okay."

* * *

All she registered was a hand on her shoulder and the distinctive fog of alcohol when she swung. The resulting surprised yelp caused her eyes to snap open.

It was Barba. Her face crumpled as she was hit with a wave of guilt.

"Hey, hey, hey, no, it's okay, Liv!" His voice was panicked, "I'm okay, you just got my shoulder, I swear—"

She couldn't stop the tears from spilling down her face as she shook her head. "Where—?"

"We're at your apartment Liv," Barba explained immediately.

A quick glance over his shoulder confirmed it as she recognized the garage under her apartment complex.

"I need to stop crying in front of you," she managed as she swiped furiously at her cheeks.

He chuckled quietly, "C'mon, let's get you to your apartment," he murmured.

Her head was still swimming as he helped her out of her car. "How long...?"

"Just 10 minutes," he answered, "Just the drive from Forlini's."

They paused as she slowly punched in the keycode for the elevator. When the doors opened, she stumbled forward, dragging Barba behind her.

"Shit," she swore, "My keys."

"I've got them."

"I wonderrr," she slurred, "If Brian will be home..."

Rafael felt a stab of worry as she hit the small 3 and the elevator doors closed. "I do too," he said quietly just as Olivia chose to slump against him. He began to sweat a little. A lifetime later, a small ding signaled their arrival.

"Okay Liv," he said slowly as she dragged him out of the lift, "Let's check you have everything okay?"

"'Kay."

"Here are your keys," he handed them to her, "Do you have your wallet?"

She struggled to pull it out, "Yep!"

"And your phone?"

She nodded, pulling it out too before frowning at the screen. "Calls."

"Later okay?" Rafael said quickly. "Let's get you home. Which door is yours?"

"This one," she said stalking over as she fingered her keys.

"Let me help," he said holding his hand out for them. "Which one?"

"That one."

Barba unlocked the door quickly, allowing her in first. The worried "Liv?!" told him immediately that Brian _was_ home. And the following "Are you okay?" told him Amaro was too. _Perfect. Dios, dame fuerzas. (God give me strength)._ He stepped through the door.

The glare Amaro fixed him with could've melted steel.

"Barba?! What the fuck?"

"Language," Olivia admonished firmly as she took a clumsy step forward.

Brian just stared at her. "Are you drunk?" he asked astonished before turning to Barba, "Is she drunk?!"

Olivia let out a huge sigh and collapsed on the couch.

Rafael fixed him with a stare. "Clearly," he drawled dryly.

"How could you let this happen!?" Amaro seethed.

"He didn't _let me_ do _anything!_ " Olivia retorted from her reclined position on the couch.

"We went for drinks. I thought she had had dinner," Barba explained coolly, "When I realized, we left."

Brian's hand had migrated upwards to pinch at the bridge of his nose at some point before now; he dropped his hand to address Rafael.

"Thanks, man," he said sincerely, his voice exhausted. "For looking after her."

"I don't need to be _looked after!_ "

Barba dropped to a squat beside her to look her in the eyes, "No doubt," he said quietly, "I'm gonna go now okay?"

"Okay."

He stood, ignoring Amaro's stormy expression and Cassidy's narrowed eyes.

"She had three shots of scotch that I saw. Might've been four. Again, I thought she'd had dinner." He tossed her keys at Cassidy who caught them. "I'll be off now."

"Bye Barba!" Olivia said loudly.

"Bye Liv."

"Barba," Nick stated stiffly as his hand touched the doorknob. He turned back to see Amaro looking surprisingly remorseful. "Thanks."

Rafael nodded and left.


	4. Drifting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Embarrassment and guilt drives a wedge between Olivia and Rafael... But only for a little while.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm heading back to university soon so updates will start to slow now, unfortunately. I want to get some chapters pre-written in these last days of vacation before I become overwhelmed with work. I'd also like to thank you guys for the lovely comments and kudos, they genuinely make my day every time :)
> 
> This chapter covers the time between Amaro's One-Eighty and Betrayal's Climax. Enjoy!

Rafael woke slowly, taking his time to stretch and groan before rolling over to grab his phone from the charger. As the screen lit up to show several missed messages from Olivia, his eyes squeezed shut. _Shit._ He'd almost forgotten the night before. And that was not an easy feat. Even though the fog of sleep still clouded his mind, he could tell he'd be overthinking every moment of last night the second he had enough caffeine in his blood. Or maybe not. Maybe he'd have the mental fortitude to shove last night into his recently expanding collection of _Things to Think About Later_. It would certainly be preferable, considering the jumbled mess of emotions he'd grappled with as he struggled to sleep several hours earlier.

Unfortunately, preferred or not, his current ability to compartmentalize was weakened in his sleepy state so instead of _Thinking About it Later,_ he replayed Olivia flinching as she woke, her body collapsing against his in the elevator, her stumbling into her apartment. He physically cringed as the memory of Cassidy's suspicious gaze burned in his mind and caused anger to flare up in his stomach. Along with a sliver of guilt.

And there was his cue to _Think About That Later._

He quickly opened her messages.

— _I'm so sorry about last night. I can pay you back for the drinks_

— _I just remembered... Please tell me I didn't hit you_

— _Thank you for driving me home. I don't know what I was thinking_

— _Let me know when you see this, please._

Air hissed through his teeth as he flopped onto his back, exhausted. He should've known she'd feel guilty. He pushed himself onto his elbow and stared at her messages. Before he could talk himself out of it, he called her. She answered on the first ring.

All she managed was an inhale before he spoke.

"You don't need to say sorry or thank me or whatever it is you think you need to say."

He was met with stunned silence before she sputtered out, _"But I was—"_

"Don't want to hear it," he interrupted resolutely, "I mean it, Liv. You're my friend, okay," he said, voice softer, "and you were hurting."

 _"I shouldn't have drank that much,"_ Olivia said quietly.

"Probably not," he agreed, "But it's over now. You don't need to thank me for doing something any decent friend would do. "

 _"If you say so,"_ she grumbled, _"Just tell me, though... Did—did I actually hit you?"_

He paused, not wanting to lie to her but hating that she'd probably get upset. "Only the shoulder, it's fine."

 _"Fuck, I knew it,"_ she sighed, her voice unhappy and remorseful. _"Am I at least allowed to apologize for assaulting you, counselor?"_ she asked him dryly.

"You were half asleep, Olivia, it was an accident," he countered, "Textbook example of extenuating circumstances if I ever saw one. So no," he couldn't help but smirk, "But you can kiss it better if the guilt is too much."

 _"Ha-ha, Barba, very funny,"_ she deadpanned, though he could hear the amusement in her tone.

He grinned before asking "How're you feeling this morning?"

_"Gross. But hey, at least I didn't throw up, right?"_

"Have you always been such a lightweight?" he teased.

 _"Actually no,"_ she said seriously, _"Only since my concussion really."_

"Huh, I didn't know concussions could do that," he said surprised.

 _"Neither did I,"_ she said, her voice a little melancholy.

Just then her voice was cut off by the distinctive rumbling of a man's voice. An irritated man's voice.

 _"Just a sec Barba, sorry,"_ she told him, her voice clipped.

Before he could respond, he heard a bunch of rustling and a tapping noise that led him to believe she'd tried and failed to mute herself. Not wanting to invade her privacy, he pulled his phone back only to freeze when heard what sounded like his name.

Rafael couldn't help but listen in.

_"—really, Liv?"_

Her response was muffled, _"You're being ridiculous Bri."_ Rafael couldn't make out Cassidy's response as he swallowed a stab of jealousy at her casual nickname. Olivia's voice was softer now, _"This isn't like you."_

Brian's voice was closer now, _"I just hate that you—Wait, you hung up on him right?"_

There was an awkward pause before she spoke, " _He's muted."_

_"Well hang up on him then."_

_"Bri..."_

_"It's ten in the morning on a Saturday, just call him later."_ Brian sounded pissed.

Rafael heard a muffled _"Fine"_ before Olivia's voice rang out clearly, _"Barba?"_

"Yes?"

_"I'm going to have to call you later, okay?"_

She hung up before he even got to say "Okay."

* * *

Olivia didn't call him for a while after that. She tried to argue with herself that it was purely due to logistics—between the swift and staggering increase in her responsibilities as commanding officer and Brian's sudden burst of attentiveness, Olivia barely had time to text Barba let alone call him—but she knew better. She was embarrassed. Embarrassed and more than a little guilty. Not guilty about burdening him with her drunkenness, Barba had successfully appeased that guilt, but rather guilty about Brian.

Brian was jealous.

Whether his jealousy was directed specifically at Barba or not she didn't know, but it didn't take a genius to see that calling him would only rub salt in the wound. At the very least, it was obvious that Brian blamed himself for her lapse in judgment, taking her confiding in Barba as opposed to him as a sign that he'd done something wrong. He took it personally.

The guilt she felt as she realized this reminded her too vividly of her first weeks back, back when her wounds—both metaphorical and physical—were still fresh, back when Brian still thought he could get her to talk about _him_. The guilt reminded her of his hurt expression as she refused point-blank on multiple occasions to tell him anything because if she did, she couldn't guarantee he'd ever look at her the same. It reminded her of the way he'd begged her to open up to him that one night when she'd woken up screaming because Couldn't she see it was eating her up inside, Couldn't she see that he just wanted to help, Couldn't she see how hard it was to watch her hurt when he knew _nothing?_

It had taken him two weeks before he gave up on asking.

So when she'd seen the ghost of that hurt on his face as he asked her why she didn't feel like she could come to him, her heart had clenched and her stomach had flooded with remorse, and any irritation at his slight possessiveness melted away. Her phone and subsequently Barba was forgotten as Brian called in a personal day for the first time since her trial and they'd spent that Saturday together, kicking out a more than willing Nick so they could _reconnect_. The affection he'd shown her that day had been almost out of character. So much so that she'd been rightly surprised when that hadn't been the end of it.

_"What is this?" Olivia said, shocked to find a small box on her pillow a couple of days later._

_"A surprise," Brian grinned, "Open it!"_

_Her face brightened as she pulled the cover off to find a beautiful bracelet with a small charm shaped like a star. "It's beautiful Bri." She looked up to find him staring at her with a soft expression. "Thank you."_

Once she got over the initial surprise, Olivia wasn't sure what to make of Brian's sudden bout of attention. Nick, on the other hand, knew exactly how he felt about it and made his distaste clear. It took all her patience not to tell him to just leave if he hated it but she managed as Nick rolled his eyes when she came home to find flowers or scoffed when Brian called her before she went to sleep.

_"What is your problem, Nick?" she snapped, unable to hold it back as her head throbbed._

_"Just seems like he's overcompensating, Liv," Nick explained, holding his hands up, "He wouldn't have to do that if he were actually here."_

_Her anger flared hot and sharp, "And that's your business how?"_

But despite her annoyance and despite her guilt, a part of her couldn't help but agree with her partner. The little gifts Brian kept leaving seemed just forced enough to make her wary and her cynical side hated that they probably came from his feelings of inadequacy rather than his wanting to surprise her with something nice. But at least he was trying, she told herself. At least he was trying.

It didn't last long. Her transition to Commanding Officer brought with it several growing pains that seeped into their relationship, alienating him with her stress and keeping her just busy enough that she didn't notice them slipping into their old patterns until she was standing on the stage at her official Sergeant's ceremony, staring out at a crowd of people who couldn't hide what wasn't there.

Brian hadn't come.

Something inside Olivia seemed to crack as the pain of his absence hit her in the chest but she hid it away as the camera flashed, forcing a smile that slowly became genuine as she reminded herself that this was _her_ moment. _Her_ moment and she couldn't let anything ruin it.

It was only after, when the congratulations were over and she was left to her thoughts, that she allowed herself to feel the sharp sting of hurt and succumbed to something she hadn't done in too long. She finally called Barba.

* * *

As Olivia Benson seemed to drift farther away from Rafael, Nick Amaro drew closer. It was quite possibly the _worst_ exchange Rafael Barba had ever seen in his life but one he could not seem to control. Or, more accurately, one he didn't necessarily want to control for fear of pushing her farther away.

Olivia never called him back. Which was fine, he understood that. If he knew Olivia like he thought he did, it wasn't because she was angry or anything. With the new responsibilities on her plate and the strain he was pretty sure he personally put on her relationship with Cassidy (who was _definitely_ jealous of him), he couldn't blame her for withdrawing. That made sense to him.

What didn't make sense was the fact that as Olivia withdrew into her work and her relationship with Cassidy (who he was _not_ jealous of by the way), Amaro inserted himself into his life just, it seemed, to irritate him.

The first time Amaro poked his nose into Rafael's business, it was to harass him about the fact he was still on desk duty.

_"C'mon Barba, I know Liv listens to you, I don't need to be on desk duty. Just talk to her for me, huh?"_

_"I don't know where you came up with the idea that Olivia Benson listens to anyone, Amaro, but she's certainly not going to listen to me."_

He did text her about it though. Not to ask her to take Amaro off of desk duty—what had Amaro been thinking?—but to make her laugh.

Who'd have thought _Amaro_ would be the topic of their first in-depth conversation in weeks? Even if it was just over text.

The second time Amaro chose to annoy him was once again to bug him about Liv. For some reason, the man seemed to think Olivia told him everything including whatever the hell she apparently told Amaro's wife on the phone the other night? Why he thought she'd tell him that, he had no idea and Rafael told him as much. That seemed to shake Amaro off for now.

Meanwhile, Olivia, it seemed, was starting to slowly adjust to her role as Commanding Officer and the plethora of responsibilities that came with it. The more comfortable she grew, the more she reached out to him until she finally, _finally_ called him. It was actually directly after her Sergeant's ceremony that she called, her voice emotional. So emotional in fact that if he didn't know better, he might've guessed she was on the verge of tears. Before he could ask if she was alright though, their call had been unfortunately interrupted by one of her detectives calling in a new case.

An awful case. The type of case that gnawed at Rafael's mind and weighed him down with the reality of how fucked up the world could really be. The gang rape of a teenage girl as payback by BX9... And if that wasn't bad enough, they mutilated and murdered a teenaged witness. An awful, awful case. But also one they'd finally cracked.

He couldn't wait to see the look on Carlos's face when he knew he was screwed by his own phone call.

* * *

Oh, it was sweet.

Rafael pressed the button on the recorder, playing the recorded call from Carlos to his girlfriend, and watched as Carlos leaned back in his chair, eyes narrowing, clenching his jaw as fury smoldered behind his eyes. He knew he was screwed and Barba loved it. The lawyer's eyebrows rose, a silent challenge to Carlos's slimy defense attorney as they all heard it. _"My executioners took care of Manny. He's not talking to nobody. Not without a tongue."_ He turned off the recorder with smug satisfaction and stared the defense attorney down.

He knew they were screwed too. "I'll need some time to confer with my client," the man said with a strained attempt at a smile, "We may consider a plea."

"Mm," Rafael hummed, enjoying this, "We'll take our chances in court. Unless," he added, turning to Carlos, "Mr. Hernandez would be willing to testify against his fellow gang members. Then we can talk deal."

"Might be a smart move, Carlos," Olivia said her voice low.

Carlos stared at her through narrowed eyes, "You think you won this?" he asked with a little nod, "It's cool. I'll do my bid." A slight smile began to curl his lips causing Rafael's brow to furrow, "Prison's ripe for new recruits, anyway. But my boys are loyal to the core. They got my back here on the inside and on the outside."

"Yeah, just like Manny?" Olivia asked doubtfully.

Carlos brushed her off, "Ahh, that carajito was never a Niner. Fact is..." Rafael's body tensed as Carlos leaned forward, eyes still locked on Olivia, "I'm safer in here than you are out there, Sergeant..." his eyes flicked to her prison-issued nametag as Rafael's blood began to boil, "Benson, is it?"

Rafael's fists clenched as he spat out, "Tell your client to keep his mouth _shut_."

"No, no," Olivia interrupted, her voice lightly amused. "That's okay. You threatening me?" Rafael watched with anxiety and surprise as she leaned forwards too. "I got the biggest gang in the city," she stated with pride, "You think your guys are loyal? Go ahead," she baited, "Test the NYPD." Carlos's face was stone as her voice dropped to a whisper. "I dare ya."

As the two stared each other down, Rafael's stomach squirmed and he cleared his throat, "I think we're done here," he stated, relieved to see Carlos tear his eyes off of Olivia, "We'll see you in court, Mr. Hernadez."

Olivia stood up quickly causing her chair to scrape loudly against the cement floor before her lips curled into one final smug smile and she turned, dismissing Carlos and his lawyer to tap on the metal bars. Rafael didn't miss her tiny flinch as the harsh buzz of the door unlocking sounded out and the guards opened the door. She didn't hesitate, immediately stalking off towards where they'd checked in. When he finally caught up to her, her eyes were distant as the guard handed her her gun and she loaded it.

_What is she thinking?_

"Liv."

She continued to stare at her gun.

"Liv."

"Sorry, what?" She startled, turning towards him as she shook herself out of it.

"That was a direct threat," he said quietly, "We should get you protection."

Her response was immediate and short. "No." Her eyes searched his before she crossed in front of him towards the exit, holstering her gun, "I don't want to live like that."

* * *

He waited until they were trapped in her parked car together to speak, "Olivia..."

"Barba..." she mimicked, avoiding his pointed stare as her stomach squirmed. She fiddled with her keys as she glanced at him.

He did not look amused. "Liv."

"What?" she asked harshly, whipping her head to stare him in the face, "What is it?"

Barba sighed, "Will you at least reconsider—"

"I don't want protection."

He nodded, "I know that and I know you probably wouldn't need it, but I just—I don't want to see you get hurt."

Olivia's heart clenched and her face softened, "Don't worry about me, I'll be okay, Barba. I swear."

He held her gaze, searching her eyes for several moments before he nodded. "Okay," he said quietly, his voice shaky. "Okay."

The vulnerability in his eyes had Olivia impulsively reaching over to grab his hand in an effort to soothe him. His eyes widened briefly at the contact before his expression morphed from one of surprise to one of curiosity. He studied her face as he softly ran his thumb along her smooth skin. She couldn't look him in the eyes. The feeling was disarmingly intimate, causing an uncomfortable mix of anxiety and something she couldn't quite put her finger on to flare up in Olivia's chest. She gave his hand a quick squeeze, suddenly overwhelmed by it all, before she snatched her hand back, flushing. "Thank you," she blurted out, "For caring."

He looked at her like she'd grown two heads. "Really?" he asked, his voice incredulous, "Do I actually need to remind you _again_ that you don't need to thank people for doing the bare minimum?"

She let out an amused huff of air and gave him a little half-smirk. "Apparently."

He grinned at her as she took her keys and started up the car.


	5. Disappointed Or Something

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rafael sets his feelings aside to help when Olivia deals with unexpected disappointment

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're slowly drifting toward non-cannon now people! This spans Wednesday's Child and Comic Perversion.  
> I had trouble posting this the first time, hopefully, this works!

Olivia stared blankly at the pregnancy test in her hand before carefully setting it down next to the other two. They all said the same thing… Not pregnant. She tore her eyes away from them lined up like three little white soldiers next to the sink and stared down at her tiled floor unseeingly.

Not pregnant…

She had no idea what she'd expected to feel but hollow wasn't it. She felt hollow. Her hand came up to rub under her eyes as she turned and leaned against her bathroom counter. A glance at her watch told her it was a little past 3 am. Wonderful.

Not pregnant.

Logically that was probably a good thing, right? With her job and—and with Brian and his feelings about kids. Yeah. This was probably a good thing.

So why were her eyes watering? Why did her chest feel so tight? Why— _Fuck._

She blinked rapidly as her throat began to close. The tile on the floor had changed. And...And she knew this floor, this tile. She had stared at it, had counted the little white and navy blue squares over and over and over in that beach house, starting over every time her eyes had reflexively squeezed shut from pain or shame or— _Don't think about that._

The farthest she'd gotten was 19.

The walls of the bathroom began to inch towards her, threatening to suffocate her if she stayed any longer. She stumbled back, hand scrambling for the doorknob.

She came back over an hour later to throw the three little white soldiers in the trash.

* * *

She couldn't tell Brian in person. She was far too raw for that. _C'mon..._ The phone continued to ring as Olivia wrapped her coat tightly around her body. _Pick up..._

He sounded harried when he finally answered, _"Hello?"_

"Brian. It's me."

His voice was bright, _"Hey, what's up Liv? You good?"_

Her eyes closed briefly, "Yeah, I tried calling you earlier. Is... Is now a good time?"

_"Sure, hit me."_

_Here goes._ "I've been late these past couple of days."

 _"Late?"_ he asked, _"What'd you mean by late?"_

"You know... _Late._ " _Jesus Christ Brian._ "Anyways—"

 _"Oh..."_ he breathed, _"Like_ late _, late?"_

 _Now he got it._ "Yes, but I took a pregnancy test and—"

 _"You're not pregnant, right?"_ His voice had an edge of panic to it now.

Olivia rubbed under her eyes wearily. "If you could let me finish a sentence, Bri, that'd be great."

_"Sorry."_

"But yeah. I'm not pregnant."

Brain let out a relieved sigh that morphed into a shaky laugh, _"Oh thank god, Liv. You scared me."_

Her chest ached. "Mhm," she managed.

 _"Is that all?"_ Brian asked, sounding a little confused.

"Mhm..." she repeated, "Yeah."

 _"Okay..."_ he said, _"You good?"_

"I'm fine."

_"You don't sound fine... Are you disappointed or something?"_

_I can't do this._ "Look Bri, I gotta go."

_"Liv?"_

"I'll talk to you later okay?"

_"I—!"_

She hung up.

* * *

Rafael couldn't help but study Olivia curiously from his spot in the corner of her office as she delegated to her detectives quickly and effectively. Not that her confidence was strange or anything; she'd adjusted well to leadership these past two months. No, it was the heaviness she carried about today that piqued Rafael's interest as well as her refusal to look at him. If the other detectives noticed her gloomy mood they didn't let it show as they nodded along to their Sergeants instructions.

"So Nick and I will talk to the witness and our vic while Fin and Rollins," Olivia pointed at them authoritatively, "You'll help CSU search her apartment until the warrant for our suspect's car comes back."

Rafael took his eyes off Olivia only to find Amaro watching him with a shrewd look on his face.

"Any idea how long the warrant will take?" Rollins asked, turning to Rafael.

Rafael shifted forward a little, uncrossing his arms, "It'll be ready by the time you finish searching her apartment."

A glance told him Amaro was still eyeing him from across the room. _What is his problem?_

"Sounds good counselor," Fin stated before turning to Amanda, "We good?"

She nodded, "Let's go."

Olivia nodded quickly, dismissing them. As the two detectives left, she looked to Amaro who stayed hovering by the door. "You go ahead Nick, I'll be right there."

His eyes flicked between her and Rafael who quirked an eyebrow at him, refusing to make any moves to leave. Olivia didn't seem to notice. _Strange._

"Sounds good Liv," he finally said, "I'll take the witness first?"

"Perfect."

Amaro gave him a significant look before closing the door behind him. Huh. Maybe her detectives _had_ noticed her gloomy mood. As the door clicked shut, Olivia sighed heavily and turned only to jump as she saw Rafael was still there.

"Sorry, I didn't..." her voice trailed off as she shook her head, "Never mind. Is there anything else you need counselor?"

 _Counselor, huh?_ "Yes, actually," he said, cocking his head to try and catch her gaze.

"Well...?" she prompted, sweeping her hand forward as if to say _go on._

He pushed off the wall and crossed to stand in front of her desk. "I need my friend to tell me what's going on."

Now she was _definitely_ avoiding his gaze. "Nothing's 'going on.'"

"Bullshit," he said bluntly, "C'mon Liv, I know you better than that."

When she finally looked up, eyes red, he was surprised; he'd expected more resistance.

It came out in a rush. "I thought I was pregnant."

Rafael blinked. _Pregnant?_

"I'm not, but for a while there..."

"Pregnant?" he choked out. The word tasted bitter on his tongue.

"Yeah," she sighed, "I thought I was but three tests later... Guess not." Olivia shrugged as if it were nothing but her wet eyes and tight-lipped half-smile said otherwise.

Rafael was still reeling. "Pregnant..." he mumbled, barely audible over the crinkle of the papers she'd started to "sort" unnecessarily. He felt utterly numb.

She didn't hear him, "I'm not going to get into this with you," she warned glancing up to look sternly at him.

He quickly schooled his expression, "Don't worry, I won't make you," he said vehemently. Dios mío, that would be the _last_ thing he wanted right now.

"Good," she said, "I've already got a session with Lindstrom later today."

It took him a second to place the name, "Oh, yes, that should be helpful."

Olivia nodded unable to come up with anything to say and for the first time since they'd met, an awkward silence fell over them.

Rafael shifted uncomfortably and adjusted his tie as she cleared her throat and pushed a strand of hair behind her ear.

"Well—"

"I should—"

"Sorry, you first."

"No, you."

"No, _you._ "

Olivia was grinning now, "No, _you_."

Rafael sighed dramatically, "Jokes on you Benson... I don't even have anything to say."

Her delightedly surprised burst of laughter broke through the dull ache in his chest and he grinned.

* * *

By the time Nick caught up to Barba, the lawyer's face was positively stormy, a stark contrast to the relaxed calm Olivia had exuded moments ago when she left her office. _Curious_. A wave of reckless determination washed over him as Nick set his jaw and slipped into the elevator with Barba who was tapping away furiously at his screen.

"Is Liv okay?"

Barba's head shot up. "Are you following me?" he demanded incredulously.

"Answer the question."

"Why don't you ask her?" Barba asked, distaste twisting his mouth.

"Like she'd tell me anything now she's my boss," Nick countered, "Plus, uh, she already told me to stop asking her that."

Barba's lips curled a little, "Listen to her then," he said. "Why would I tell you anything?"

Nick's nostrils flared with irritation but he swallowed his anger and pride. "'Cause I care about her and I know you do too."

That seemed to strike a chord. Barba clenched his jaw. "No sabes nada." _You don't know anything._

"Oh really?" Nick said, "Te veo mirándola, Barba." _I see you watching her, Barba._

Barba's jaw dropped, " _Excuse me?"_

"Don't try to deny it."

Amaro had never seen Barba so flustered or so happy to hear the elevator doors slide open. As he stalked out, Amaro called after him. "This isn't over Barba."

His response was short and sharp, "Yes it is."

* * *

Olivia wasn't sure what pissed her off more, the fact that Brian genuinely _liked_ this asshole "rape-joke" comic Josh Galloway or Barba's increasingly aggravating attitude about this whole case.

Not that she blamed him. Barba, not Brian. This case had been a dog from the start, controversial and challenging even before that video of their vic had been leaked to the press.

Olivia bit her lip as she waited anxiously for Barba to gather his papers.

How had she let Calhoun get the better of her? She'd twisted her words around while she just sat there letting the jury eat it up like a damn rookie, too busy fighting off memories of the last time she'd testified. And Barba... He didn't even look angry. He looked disappointed. She almost preferred the prickly, distant Barba who hadn't called her back in over two weeks. Almost. At least he was talking to her this way, even if just for work.

Barba looked tired as he turned and caught her eye. She watched him exhale before he made his way over to her, gesturing for her to join him.

The words spilled out of her before he could speak, "I walked right into it, I'm so sorry." It wasn't enough, she needed to explain herself, "It's just my first time on the stand since Lewis."

"I know. It doesn't matter," Barba said, his voice resigned, "We both knew where this was headed."

Her stomach squirmed. "We had to bring this case," she said, more to convince herself than him, "It was the right thing to do, you know, for Carly, for... for the other victims."

Barba pivoted to look at her, "This was not great for Carly or for the other victims," he stated, his voice unhappy, "Are you sure this was not about your ego?"

 _What?_ Barba turned away from her leaving her reeling. He might as well have slapped her. "What?" she blurted out.

He said nothing as he opened the door to reveal some young intern eating lunch, "Excuse me," he said authoritatively, "We need the room."

As the man scrambled to leave, Olivia tried to collect her thoughts. Barba did _not_ just say that right?

The second the door closed, she turned on him, " _What_ did you just say?"

"You just took over the squad," he said easily, "You want to take a big name down, show everyone there's no special treatment under Sergeant Benson's watch."

 _Was he serious?_ "You know that that's not me," she protested.

"You have had a really tough year," Rafael pointed out, not unkindly, "You're going through a lot."

Olivia bristled, "So which is it? I'm driven by ego or my judgment is impaired?"

"Actually, my judgment is impaired," he admitted reluctantly, "I never should have let you convince me to take this case."

 _What the hell?_ "We both decided that it was the right thing to do!"

"This was before I had all the facts," he challenged, getting emotional now, "If your detectives had done their due diligence and found that video, I never would have brought this case to trial!"

"We're takin' a hit," Olivia conceded, "But blaming me?" She hated the hurt the crept into her voice as she stepped closer to him, "I thought we had each other's backs."

"So did I, Liv," he said regretfully pulling back until—

"What did I do?!"

* * *

 _Nothing,_ Rafael thought, his heart clenching painfully, _Nothing at all._

"Tell me!" she demanded, her cheeks flushed now, "What did I do, Rafael?"

His body froze before his mind could fully comprehend it. _Did she just...?_

"You haven't talked to me in _weeks!_ " she continued, searching his frozen face for _something._ Whatever she was looking for she didn't find and her face fell. Her voice was small now. "I just don't... I don't get it," she murmured, her head dropping into her hands.

 _Fuck._ Rafael's stomach lurched as his hands did, barely able to catch himself before he touched her.

"Liv, look at me," he whispered, desperate to touch her but not wanting to startle her.

She looked up, her face still flushed as she watched him cautiously place his hands on her shoulders.

"It's not your fault." Her lips parted, confused. "I've been unfair to you," he confessed, "I know that now and I'm sorry."

"Why?" she sighed, _"Why?"_

 _Because I hate that you're with Cassidy,_ he thought. "I—It doesn't matter." Her eyes narrowed as he rushed to explain himself. "I'm sorry, Liv, I swear, it really doesn't matter and it won't happen again." Olivia's expression didn't change. "Please..." he begged, "I—I know it's not fair of me to ask this of you but can you just trust me?"

"You're right," she said softly, "It's _not_ fair."

Rafael winced.

"But," Olivia added, "I trust you."

"Thank you," he said sincerely, "Can I hug you?"

"C'mere." She pulled him in and they held each other for a moment until she pulled away and feigned a glare at him, "You better call tonight."

"I will," Rafael's eyes softened, "I promise."


	6. Taste of Goodbye

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Relationships change.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is Post Downloaded Child.

Brian was late again but Olivia couldn't bring herself to care. Not tonight. _"We're tired,"_ he'd said. And he'd been right. She was so damn tired.

"Hey!"

Olivia startled, turning her head to see him half-jogging across the empty street behind her.

"Sorry, I'm late."

"It's okay."

The cold air stung her cheeks, turning their breaths to white mist as Brian hopped onto the sidewalk, hands stuck in his pockets to protect from the chill, "Got stuck in traffic back there."

"I guess we're both kinda stuck, aren't we?" Her voice was tinged with melancholy as she watched the cracked and dirty concrete passing beneath her as they strolled.

Brian was eyeing her when she looked up seconds later with a weak smile, slipping her hand through the crook of his arm. "Yeah," he hummed thoughtfully, "Yeah, what... What happened?"

The white cloud of her sigh danced in front of her. "Well, you know, Brian, I've been thinking about it." _For too long._ "You know, you and me... We found each other at the darkest, lowest point of our lives, right? You got shot, demoted. I got..." _Kidnapped. Assaulted._ "...hurt. And you got me through that."

They were stopped now, his eyes trained on hers. "Well, we've always been there for each other, Liv."

Her chest ached. "You know, maybe that's what it was supposed to be," she mused, "Maybe... Maybe there's something even more _right_ for each of us, you know?"

He showed no surprise at her words so she pressed on.

"I-I still think about... About having a family."

_Three little white soldiers sat on her bathroom sink while somewhere out there baby boy Doe lay sick and unwanted..._

"Do you ever think about having kids with me, or..."

He looked away from her.

"Or... or growing old with me?" _Maybe... Maybe we can still_ —

"I just don't see myself growing old."

Her eyes crinkled as she smiled in spite of it all, lifting her gloved hand to touch his cheek. "I know you don't." He wouldn't be Brian if he did. "I know."

There was a heaviness about him now as he spoke, "Look, Liv, there's something that's been on my mind for a long time now, something that I feel like I have to tell you."

"Go ahead," she said, preparing herself, "I can take it."

"No, but it's not like that," he shook his head, "Not at all, not even close." He'd never looked at her like this before. God, why did he have to look at her like—

"I love you."

Something splintered inside her chest; she wanted to scream, wanted to demand, _Why? Why did you wait to tell me?_ But instead, she spoke the truth with the bittersweet taste of goodbye on her tongue.

"I love you too, Brian. Always will."

* * *

Rafael was pulled out of his work by the sound of three timid knocks on his office door before it opened a crack to reveal Olivia, looking uncharacteristically unsure.

"Hey Barba, are you busy?"

_This is new,_ he thought as he shifted, leaning back in his chair, "Not really, what's going on?"

She pushed the door the rest of the way open. "Sidebar?"

Rafael's eyebrows furrowed with concern as he took in her almost pleading expression and leaned forward to rest his elbows on the table. Something must be really bothering her, "Of course, Liv," he said, "Come in."

She gave him a grateful smile as she stepped in and closed the door shut behind her.

"What's the matter Liv?"

She took her time to answer, pulling her coat off slowly. When she finally spoke her voice was shaky, "Brian and I, we, uh, we ended things last night."

"Oh." Rafael's breath hitched as his heart leaped to his throat but his face stayed calm, years of practice helping him to reign in his visceral reaction. "Liv, I'm, uh, I'm so sorry."

"Don't be," she said softly making her way over to his desk, "It was mutual. It's just… A change."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Olivia shook her head as her hands came to grip the back of the chair in front of his desk; her knuckles were white, "Not now, but maybe later."

"Okay."

A heavy silence fell over the two as Rafael tried to catch her eye. When she finally looked up she broke the quiet.

"Okay, maybe I do want to talk about it now."

Rafael's lips twitched, "By all means," he said, sweeping his hand out to encourage her.

She began to pace. "It's just so… different this time. We _lived_ together. Still do technically."

He winced, "How's that working out?"

She paused only to anxiously run her fingers through her hair, "Well, he's going to move out this weekend. We've started p-packing his things up." Her voice cracked; Rafael resisted the urge to go to her. "We're being civil of course." She let out a little laugh, "Almost too civil."

"That can't be easy."

"We're making it work," she said wearily. She looked over and they locked eyes, "I just… I thought he might've been it." She broke their stare to shake her head. "You know what he pointed out to me?" she asked suddenly.

_I swear to god if he hurt her..._ "What'd he say?"

"That I've never once told him what happened with Lewis. Ever."

His hands clenched into fists at her guilty expression, "You don't have to do that."

"I know, I know..." she said, clearly not believing him, "I just—He's got a point. Maybe I was protecting myself..."

"So?" Rafael challenged with a scowl, "So what? He's not entitled to your story!"

The look she gave him was disarmingly soft; Rafael swallowed heavily. "I suppose," she agreed, her eyes distant. After a moment, she rubbed under her eyes. "I'm sorry Rafael, you've probably got things to do, I should go."

"Olivia…" he sighed, "You're fine."

"No, I really shouldn't…"

"Look, if it bugs you so much, I've only got about 30 minutes of work to do and a fairly comfortable couch... I can finish up quick while you read or something, and then we can get out of here, go to Forlini's or wherever you'd like to go, and get your mind off things for a bit."

Olivia glanced over at the couch and back at him, surprised by his thoughtfulness. "You know what? That sounds perfect."

* * *

After about five minutes, Olivia gave up on pretending that she wasn't watching him. Barba has completely engrossed in his work anyway. She'd never seen Rafael like this.

Well, in some ways she had. She'd seen him in this suit for example, but never when he'd discarded the jacket like that. That wasn't to say she hadn't seen him do that with other ensembles before, he had, just not with _this_ suit. He'd also rolled up his sleeves. It was strangely distracting. In this suit. For some reason.

But she wasn't focused on that right now. She was focused on the way his brow was furrowed ever so slightly as he jotted notes down on his legal pad. When he wasn't writing, she'd quickly found, Rafael was prone to shaking his pen back and forth between his fingers with his right hand as his left tapped away silently on his desk. When he did write though, his entire body grew still, almost as if all his energy was pouring out of the pen and onto the page until he'd lift it back up and the energy was back, shaking and tapping away. But most intriguingly to Olivia was how the normally guarded man had become an open book as he retreated into his thoughts; Olivia saw every flash of inspiration or frustration cross his face, every emotion flickering there a puzzle she desperately wanted to solve.

About 15 minutes in, he began to mumble. She couldn't make out any words but she watched his lips move with fascination as he flipped through some papers until—

He caught her staring. Her eyes flicked back up to meet his as her cheeks began to flush and he held his gaze. Apparently, instead of resuming his work, Barba was now planning on staring _her_ down.

"How long were you watching me, Benson?" he asked, a hint of a smirk on his face.

"Shut up Barba," she retorted, "I was bored okay?"

"Okay..." he drawled teasingly, "Can you find another way to entertain yourself? It's more than a little distracting."

"Sorry."

"I'm teasing, you're fine," he said quickly. "Just let me finish this and we're good to go okay?"

"Okay, sorry."

She looked away just in time to miss his pleased grin.

* * *

His briefcase was tucked under his arm, his hands seeking warmth in his overlarge pockets as they made their way down the courthouse steps. When they reached the bottom he turned to her, "Where to Olivia?"

She looked conflicted as she stared out at the city. "My car's not too far from here but I honestly have no idea. I'm really not in the mood for people right now."

"As a 'people,' I'm offended," Rafael quipped.

He was awarded a small smile and, "You don't count." Olivia sighed deeply, "We'll figure this out at the car," she decided.

"Sounds good."

Their cheeks were bright red by the time they made it there; Olivia was quick to turn on the heat.

"Alright, what're you thinking?" he said once they were both buckled in.

Olivia sighed deeply, "I wish we could just go back to my apartment," she finally said regretfully.

"We could go to mine," he suggested cautiously.

She turned to look at him, "You sure?"

"Yeah, why not?" he said, "I can't promise you anything more than take-out though," he warned, "I haven't gone shopping in a while."

"Take-out sounds great," she said, sounding a little relieved. "Your apartment it is."

* * *

He had no business being this happy. _Asshole._ But damn he was. Bordering delirious based on his inexplicable urge to call Amaro about it... _Ridiculous thought._ Instead, he smiled into the Chinese take-out they'd picked up on the way while Olivia searched for a good movie on-demand.

"Thanks for having me over," she said for the third time since they'd come in.

He waved her off, not even dignifying that with an answer, "What type of movie are you looking for?"

"I don't even know," she said exasperatedly tossing the remote aside to turn to him, "I don't know what I want anymore."

"You know, now it seems like you aren't talking about movies," Rafael noted lightly, "I could be wrong though."

Olivia rolled her eyes, "Smart-ass," she grumbled, but her lips curled. She sighed once more.

"How about tonight?" he asked softly, hating her fatigue. "What do you want tonight?"

"I don't know, Rafael," she lamented, "A distraction? To curl up in a ball and sleep? I don't know."

"As it is only 7 o'clock, I'll vote for a distraction."

"Oh?"

"I'm thinking something more hands-on than a movie," he mused as he stood up and headed towards his bookshelf.

"I'm in no mood to read," she frowned.

"Nor am I," he said, "But cards on the other hand?"

She perked up a little, "I haven't touched a deck in ages!"

"Then you'll have an excuse when I crush you, Benson."

Her eyes lit up as they narrowed, grinning, "We'll see about that, Barba. We will see about that."

* * *

She destroyed him. No matter the game, luck-based or skill-based, she crushed him every time. If Rafael wasn't having so much fun, he would've had steam coming from his ears.

"How are you _doing this?!"_ he demanded as she once again slapped the top of the deck, effectively stealing his cards. Again.

Olivia couldn't stop laughing, watching his face grow redder and redder as she leaned back clapping her hands together, her sides hurting. "You—should see—the _look_ on—your face!"

"You're cheating!" Rafael sputtered grinning despite the pitiful amount of cards in his hand, "I don't know how you are but you are!"

"Search me!" she insisted grinning cheekily, "I've got nothing up my sleeves counselor!"

"Sure you don't," he griped, "Just take me out of my misery you cheater."

"No one likes a sore loser Barba," she teased, sticking her tongue out at him.

_Fuck do that_ _again,_ he thought. "I'm-I'm not sore," he stammered instead.

"Save it for the jury, Mr. Barba," she smirked, gathering up the playing cards, oblivious to his flustered state. "Another round?" she asked, "A different game? I'm down for whatever."

"Yeah sure, whatever you want," he said grouchily, "You'll just win it anyway."

She let out a huff of amusement as she began to shuffle before catching sight of the time as her phone screen lit up on the coffee table. "Shit," she swore, "It is _not_ already 10:30," she exclaimed, aghast.

He did a double-take. "You're joking."

"Nope," she said eyebrows knit together as she unlocked her phone. "Shit..." Her voice was much quieter.

"What is it?"

"Brian," she said shortly.

"Oh."

"I should go."

He was hit with a wave of disappointment. "Okay..."

She typed something out before looking up. She looked as disappointed as he felt. "I'm sorry Rafael."

"It's alright," he said sincerely, standing up, "I had a great time."

She stood too. "As did I."

Rafael stepped out of her way only for her to grab him by the hand and pull him into a crushing hug.

"Thank you," she whispered into his chest, her voice rough, "So, so much."

He was speechless as he awkwardly patted her back.

She pulled back but didn't let go of his hand. "I haven't laughed so hard in... In who knows how long."

He managed to find his voice, "And I haven't been so thoroughly eviscerated at cards in who knows how long."

She grinned, letting go of his hand to gravitate to where her coat was hung up. "I'd be open to a rematch any time Barba, you know where to find me."

"You know I'll take you up on that," he warned as she shrugged her coat on.

"I know you will," she agreed, "But surprisingly... I don't mind." She smiled at him before opening the door. "Until next time Rafael."

"Until next time Liv."


	7. Powerful Words

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rafael is there for Liv when Lewis escapes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look man, it's not my fault the writers for season 15 hated Olivia's happiness, that's all I'm saying. This is a Beast's Obsession chapter with a Barson touch. TW: Lewis, but nothing particularly violent or graphic.

Funny how a few seconds, how a few words from the wrong person can cause the world to come crashing down all around you. She'd spoken words with this power before. She'd had to as a cop. But she'd also been on the receiving end of these powerful words. Like now.

_"Morning sunshine."_

So normal, so kind. Or it would be if it wasn't Lewis leering at her. But he was. On her screen.

His grin widened and her body froze.

_"I missed you."_

_No._ No, this—This couldn't be right. Couldn't be real. She watched as he drank her shock in with pleasure and she knew... He was real, he was out, and he _missed her._

She should do something, say something, try—

And then he was gone. Gone like the earth from under her feet and suddenly she was floating and falling at the same time and her fingers were scrolling and now she could hear her phone dialing and—

"Rafael." How was her voice so calm?

 _"Hey, Liv, what's up?"_ He sounded so normal, upbeat even.

"Lewis just... called me." Powerful words.

_"W-What?!"_

"William Lewis. Called my phone." _Huh._ Not even trembling. But her eyes were wide. She could feel it.

Barba swore in Spanish, _"Where are you? We need to get you somewhere safe, what did Lewis say, are you alright?!"_

Olivia blinked slowly, overwhelmed by his rapid and panicked questioning, "I—He said he m-missed me." Her voice cracked as her throat began to close.

 _"Liv. If you're not there, get to the precinct. Now. Please._ Please _."_

She shook her head, "I—Yes. Yeah. I'll go now." A deep, shuddering breath, and she was frozen no more, "I'm a block away."

_"Good, good. Do you want me to come over?"_

"No. No, fine, I'm fine." She was still floating.

_"Olivia."_

A spark of frustration broke through the haze.

"I'm fine Rafael, I need to focus." No, she didn't. _I know these streets._ And she could see everything. Her senses were heightened, her emotions were detached.

_"I... Okay. Have you told anyone else?"_

"Oh, shit," a spark of worry now, "No. I should... I should do that."

_"After you get to the precinct. Please."_

"Okay. I'm almost there."

_"Good."_

She was close; she could see the building. The sight cleared her mind.

"Rafael?"

_"Yes?"_

"Thank you. I can do this." She crossed the road.

_"I know you can, but please... Be safe."_

She climbed up the steps. "I'm here. I will be." A pause, "I'm gonna go."

_"Okay. Call me if you need anything. Anything at all."_

She sucked in a deep breath, clenched her jaw, and opened the doors.

* * *

_"The search is still on for escaped convict William Lewis..."_

Rafael stared unseeingly down at the files on his desk as he listened to the news, his fingers tapping erratically on wood. His eyes kept flicking back to his phone without his permission and he had a headache coming on.

He wanted to call her. So badly.

_"...is considered armed and dangerous. Going live to Tod now from Roosevelt Island. Tod, we have unconfirmed reports that Lewis may be responsible for the murder of store owner..."_

She had only texted him once so far to let him know that Lieutenant Murphy had come in to take over the manhunt and that she had a protective detail. She was also quick to tell him how much she hated both of these changes. Rafael wisely kept his relief to himself.

_"...a surprising turn of events, earlier today, the entirety of Roosevelt Island was shut down and, as you can see from the video, the tramway was actually stopped. Why the NYPD thought William Lewis would be in there is still unknown. I'm here with..."_

He also hadn't heard from any of the detectives. The anxiety gnawing at his stomach refused to be placated by his half-hearted assurances that that probably was a good thing, that it meant they were out there chasing him down. As if they could catch the slippery bastard...

_"...Sorry to interrupt you Tod but we have just received word that the woman William Lewis was charged with kidnapping and assaulting, Sergeant Olivia Benson—"_

_Olivia?_ Rafael shot up from his reclined position, his hands scrambling to grab the remote as his heart raced. He leaned forward as he repeatedly smashed the button to increase the volume just in time for Olivia's face to fill the screen.

_"My name is Sergeant Olivia Benson, NYPD, and on the 6th of January of this year, I testified in the New York state supreme court at the trial of William Lewis—"_

Rafael's eyebrows knit together as he bit his lip. _What are you doing Olivia...?_

_"—and on that day, under oath, I swore that, when I beat him with a metal bar, he had broken free of his handcuffs—"_

His stomach began to sink.

_"—and I only used the force necessary to subdue him."_

He stared, mouth open with shock. _Surely she won't—_

_"That was a lie."_

The remote fell from his hands onto the floor with a carpet-dampened thud.

 _"The truth is, when I beat Mr. Lewis, fracturing his skull, his orbital socket, shattering_ —"

Unable to sit any longer, Rafael leaped to his feet, anxiety and panicked anger churning in his gut. Her credibility would be shot, she'd be opening herself up to—

_"He and I were alone, he offered no resistance, and I was not in danger."_

Rafael froze at that, gawking at the screen. _Not in danger?!_ Breathing the same air as that bastard was dangerous!

_"The assault was nothing less than police brutality and excessive force. I apologize for the inhumanity of my actions—"_

Why was she saying this, _how_ could she say this?!

_"—and for my perjury. Since William Lewis was convicted based on my testimony, I request that D.A. Rafael Barba—"_

She did not. He needed to sit down.

_"—inform the judiciary committee of my actions and take appropriate steps to rectify the unjust conviction of Mr. Lewis."_

He stumbled backward, just barely avoiding crumpling onto the floor as he collapsed into his chair. He let her final words wash over him as he stared slack-jawed and wide-eyed.

_"I make this statement of my own volition, under no duress, under no coercion, and under no expectation that there be a quid pro quo from Mr. Lewis. I'm sorry that I didn't come forward earlier. Thank you."_

He called Olivia moments later.

* * *

_For Amelia._

She kept repeating it.

_For Amelia._

It soothed the poison that had burned her tongue with every word of that _confession._

_For Amelia._

She could forget the suspicious glances, the outright stares, that _fucking camera_ as long as she remembered that.

That and the fact that people like her partner had her back. He was by her side the second she stepped away from the camera.

"Do you need anything?" he asked, eyes filled with somber respect.

"No."

Amaro nodded, seeming to understand she didn't want to talk. "Barba keeps calling, do you want me to tell him to fuck off?"

She gave no answer and held out her hand for her phone which he gave her immediately. She gave him a tight-lipped smile before turning just as her phone buzzed in her hand. She answered, leaving Nick behind as she stalked towards the cribs with her protective detail behind her.

"You saw it," she said as means of greeting. It wasn't a question.

There was a slight pause before Rafael spoke, _"Yeah. Do you—?"_

"Can you wait one sec," she interrupted as she reached the door to the cribs. She turned to her protective detail as they made to follow her in. "Do you mind?"

"But—"

"I highly doubt William Lewis is hiding in a locker waiting to kill me, Detective Carlson," Olivia snapped scathingly, "And this is the only door in or out. Leave me alone."

They glanced at each other but inevitably folded under her intense glare.

"I... Okay."

"Thank you," she said curtly, stepping through and closing the door with a sharp click.

She sighed heavily and yanked her hair free of its bun as she brought her phone back to her ear. "Rafael?"

 _"I'd hate to be Detective Carlson right now,"_ he said, sounding mildly amused.

"I hate them," Olivia said bluntly. "Well, not _them_. But—"

_"I know."_

"So... You saw, huh?" she sighed.

He cut to the chase. _"Why?"_

Her face crumpled, "He has a little girl, Rafael, a little girl," she cried, "Her name is Amelia and she's only twelve years old. I had to. I _had to."_

 _"You did,"_ he agreed simply.

She blinked with surprise.

 _"Are you okay?"_ he asked quietly.

"No," she breathed, "No, I'm not." Her hands were shaking. It was suddenly sweltering in here. Olivia put Rafael on speakerphone.

_"I'm bringing you dinner."_

"Rafael..." she said as she unbuttoned her vest jacket leaving her in a black dress shirt. "You don't—"

_"Yes, I do."_

She shook her head, "Fine." She needed _out_ of her uniform. "Rafael?" she asked instead.

_"Yeah?"_

"He doesn't care if he makes it out alive this time."

He sucked in a sharp breath. _"Don't say that."_

"It's true."

 _"I know. Just—Don't."_ Rafael's breathing was labored now. _"Olivia, I need you to promise me you won't go after him."_

She said nothing.

 _"Olivia."_ A pause. _"Olivia,_ please."

She swallowed hard.

"I can't do that."

His breath caught and silence fell over the two. When he finally spoke his voice was heavy, _"I know."_

He hung up with a click.

* * *

Rafael still brought her dinner. He still bullied his way into the precinct, still harrassed Amaro to _let him in_ until he caved, still handed the food to her while she stared at the floor. He still hugged her.

But fuck. He was scared.

He couldn't let it show, though. For her sake.

_For Olivia._

They kicked him out eventually but not before he got a promise from Amaro to keep him updated because Olivia sure as hell wouldn't. Maybe this way he'd be able to sleep.

Ha. As if anyone would sleep soundly tonight.

The normal distractions weren't proving effective—how could they?—and he found himself trapped once again, waiting for bad news, eyes flicking between the show he wasn't watching and his phone.

He knew it would ring eventually.

* * *

"Cell phone..." Lewis drawled, "This you won't be needing."

Olivia tried not to focus on the way her skin crawled as she watched her phone go flying into the night, wincing, only to jump seconds later when his hands grasped at her again.

"You know what?" he sneered. She bucked away from his hands to no avail, "I think I'll keep the radio." He pulled it from her as she whipped around. "This way they can hear you scream while they're looking for you."

She only had eyes for the gun pressed against her side but her stomach churned at the familiar clink of handcuffs. She swallowed heavily. _For Amelia._

"Where's the girl, Lewis?"

Memories tugged at her as he shushed her and she watched the unforgiving metal clasp around one of her wrists. He no longer had her up against the car; he pushed the gun in her face, "Let's go for a ride."

Olivia lurched back with her arm stretched out in front of her as he held onto the cuff. Her eyes flicked from the black car back to him. "Are you going to put me in the trunk again?"

"I think I'll put you in the back," he said conversationally, propelling them around to the side, "Why Olivia, do you _want_ to go in the trunk?"

"No."

"Suit yourself," he shrugged, yanking her to him and opening the car door. "Sit down."

 _For Amelia._ She did.

He stared down at her with a smug smirk as she held her wrists out expecting him to cuff them together. But he had something else in mind. Without warning, Lewis shoved her back and she yelped, landing on her back hard as he began to climb on top of her.

Instinct had her body jerking away and kicking as she cried out with disgust but he crushed her legs beneath him, speaking over her loudly, "Lay down, sweetheart, just relax..." His voice was dripped with false sympathy as he aggressively pushed her down again, shoving her further into the car until she felt the top of her head hit the car door. "Give me your hands, sweetheart," he ordered over her protests. When she made no move to obey he scowled, "Do _not_ make me say it again Olivia. Hands. _Now._ " Her body froze at his fury, giving him the opening he needed and he grabbed her wrists, making quick time of cuffing her to the door. "There we go."

Her breaths came out in short pants both from fear and his weight on her body. When she refused to look at him, Lewis cocked his head to the side. "Nice."

Then his hand was gripping her face and his lips were on hers with bruising force and she was _trying_ to breathe, _trying_ not to cry, _wishing_ she'd listened to Rafael.

But when he pulled away she remembered.

_For Amelia._

"Time to go."


	8. Her Face

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Olivia needs Rafael's help in the hospital

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good news and bad news. Bad news: I'm back to college tomorrow so I can no longer promise regular updates. Good news: It's finally time to throw canon in the trash! Sorry it's so short but anything more would've been too much. As always, I am open to any feedback, I hope you enjoy :)

_"Do it." The gun was heavy in her shaking hand. "Do it, Olivia."_

"I have to warn you, she's in shock. She hasn't been very responsive."

_"It's your turn."_

"But she's okay? He didn't..."

"No."

_A click, a smirk, and—"Game over. Say goodbye—"_

"Olivia?"

She blinked. Fluorescent lighting, feet dangling in the air, uncomfortable padded surface underneath her... Hospital. She was in a hospital.

"Liv?" That familiar voice again. "Liv, it's Rafael, I'm here."

 _Rafael?_ The effort took to turn toward the sound of his voice was draining. She kept her eyes trained on the floor.

"Amaro called me, Liv. Said you asked for me."

 _I don't remember that._ "I...I did?" Everything was blurry.

In a quieter tone, "Why is this blood still on her?"

"We still need to take photos, take bloodwork—"

"Then do it!"

Olivia flinched.

"Olivia?"

She looked up. Rafael was there. She sucked in a shaky breath.

"Hey, Liv."

"H-Hi." Her voice cracked.

"Amaro told me you saved that little girl," he said softly.

"Amelia. Is she okay?"

"Physically. she's unharmed. She's with her family now."

_"Look away, Amelia."_

"He didn't..."

Rafael shook his head. "No. He didn't."

Relief overwhelmed the numbness in her chest for just a moment, "Good. Good..." Her eyes fluttered shut.

"Olivia?" Her eyes cracked open. Rafael's forehead was wrinkled with worry, "Is there anything I can do? Right now?"

"Stay with me," she whispered, "Just... Stay."

* * *

Olivia had no conception of time anymore. Hours, minutes, seconds... Meaningless. All she knew was that the adrenaline that had kept her alert up until now was beginning to fade and her eyelids had turned to lead. But she kept her eyes open and her grip on Rafael's hand firm.

The nurse unwrapped the blood pressure cuff around her arm. "We're all set now Sergeant," she said to Olivia's dulled relief, "We'll just need to keep you here under observation for a little longer, okay?"

She barely managed a nod, too tired to even protest.

The nurse gathered up her clipboard and made to move but was stopped when Rafael spoke, "Before you go, can we at least get something more than paper towels and handsoap for her face?"

 _Her face..._ Even now she could feel every drop; the dried splattered blood tightened her skin wherever it touched her. Olivia's stomach squirmed as she fought the urge to scratch at her face until she bled. But she didn't.

The nurse nodded at Rafael, "I'll get you a washcloth and some soap and I'll be right back."

He let out a sigh as the nurse closed the door behind her, absentmindedly running his thumb along the top of her hand. It was so soothing. "It's almost over Liv," he murmured, "Almost done."

Some of the tension in her body drained away as she hummed in agreement, "I know."

He gave her hand a gentle squeeze and she looked at him. When their eyes met, her lips twitched into a thin smile.

"Thank you, Rafael."

He waved her thanks away just as his phone buzzed. She reluctantly let go of his hand.

His forehead crinkled as he read the text, "It's Amaro again. The others, your squad, they've been asking to see you," he said cautiously.

Her eyes squeezed shut as she shook her head, "I can't see them. Not yet."

To his credit, he didn't ask why.

They lapsed into a comforting quiet that was broken moments later by the return of the nurse.

"I got you a washcloth and some soap," she announced, placing the two by the sink, "Again, if you need anything, please don't hesitate to call."

Olivia gave her a nod of thanks as Rafael spoke. "Thank you, we will."

The door closed once more.

After a pause, Olivia spoke, "Could you...?" she gestured to the sink, "I just... I can't get up right now."

"Of course." He made his way over to the sink, turned on the faucet, and stuck his fingers under the stream of water. Once it was warm enough he began to wet the washcloth.

"Rafael?" she asked hesitantly.

"Mhmm?" He squirted some soap onto the cloth.

"I'm sorry I didn't listen to you. When you asked me not to go after him."

Rafael sighed and turned off the faucet. "No, you're not," he said, not unkindly, "You'd do it again if it meant saving that little girl."

She couldn't argue with that. "I know. But I am sorry for how it affected you."

He rang out the cloth before turning to her. "You don't have to be," he said sincerely, making his way over to her. "You did what you had to do to save Amelia and you're here now. Here," he handed her the dampened cloth, "Let's get you cleaned up."

The blood on her face felt wet and hot again as Olivia stared down at the rapidly cooling cloth in her hand. Without thinking she shoved it back in Rafael's hands.

"You do it. Please."

Rafael just stared at her.

"Please, Rafael."

He nodded slowly. "Okay."

His Adam's apple bobbed as Rafael swallowed heavily, his eyes never leaving hers as he brought the cloth up to her cheek, hovering millimeters from her skin until she nodded. She shivered, flinching as the slightly chilly cloth barely touched her skin. He murmured an apology but she shushed him and he slowly began to wipe off Lewis's dried blood, his eyes now focused on her skin rather than on her gaze. After a moment, Rafael shifted closer and brought his other hand up to tip her head to the side a little. Surprisingly, his closeness felt not invasive but rather comforting and Olivia found herself reaching out and gripping his shirt. His hands froze.

"Olivia?" he breathed, his voice rough, "What...?"

She immediately let him go, her cheeks flushed. "Sorry."

He cleared his throat a little, "It's okay. I'll, uh, I'll rinse this out and continue?"

"Okay."

The sound of running water filled the silence until he was back and his hands were on her again, gently cleaning her face with a look of intense concentration. His gentle touches felt so alien, so intimate after the violence she'd faced. It was her undoing. Her face crumpled and tears poured down her cheeks until she was gasping for air, reaching for him. The bloodstained cloth dropped onto the floor, forgotten.

His whispered words fell on deaf ears as she sobbed into his shoulder and when she gripped his shirt this time, he didn't comment.

He just held her.


	9. Smart-Mouth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rita Calhoun meddles and Olivia and Rafael spend more time together. In that order.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just so you know, you should bring seeing an update in about a week. Apologies in advance for the mini cliffhanger. Enjoy!

Thank god for Rita Calhoun. Rafael would never say it aloud but damn he couldn't help thinking it as Rita briefed him over lunch. Taking Olivia's case so last minute... He owed her.

He waited for the waiter to finish refilling Rita's water glass before he spoke, "So uh, how's Olivia holding up?"

"She walked into traffic yesterday," Rita stated bluntly as she stabbed at her steak. "Not on purpose," she added hastily seeing his horrified expression, "It looked like she was having a flashback." She gave him an odd look. "Why? Don't you talk to her?"

His hands dropped from where they'd been massaging his temples, "I do, I just... wanted an outsider's opinion."

"On how Olivia's doing." It wasn't a question. Rita's eyes narrowed. "Okay," she said authoritatively, placing her silverware down, "You want my opinion?" she asked, "Here it is. You need to stop lying to yourself."

"Excuse me?" Rafael's eyebrows shot up.

"Stop lying to yourself," she repeated.

"About what?!"

Rita was clearly less than amused as she shot him a fed-up look.

"Look, I have no idea what you're talking about," Rafael stated stiffly.

"Oh, you don't?" she asked disbelievingly, "You can deny it all you want, Rafael, but I know you."

He scowled at her, "What exactly am I supposed to be denying here, Calhoun?"

"You like Olivia."

Rafael gaped at her. _What?_ "We're—We're _friends_ ," he spluttered, "Of course, I—"

"Liar."

His mouth snapped shut.

"You know you've brought her up like four times already, right?" Rita pointed out.

His nostrils flared, "Only in terms of work and her case so wherever the hell you've pulled this—"

"You call her Olivia." Rita looked infuriatingly calm.

"And?" he retorted.

" _And_ you call the rest of her squad by their last names only," she countered before smirking, "Not to mention how red your ears are. Body language never lies, Rafael."

He swallowed heavily, "Neither of these—"

"Look, you can protest it to me all you want, that's fine, but not to yourself, Rafael," she said, her voice serious. "It's obvious how much you care for her. You were this short of begging when you asked me to represent her. _Begging_."

 _Shit._ "I... Shut up."

Rita sighed, "Fine, I'll stop. I only say it because I want you to be happy."

Rafael snorted, "Sure."

"I do!" she protested, "When was the last time you had a date?"

 _Too long ago._ "It doesn't matter. Even if it were true, _which it's not..."_ Rafael glared at her as she rolled her eyes, "Now would be quite possibly the worst time to do anything about it."

"And why's that?" she challenged.

Rafael bristled. "I'm not going to take advantage of her, Rita! With the shit Strauss is pulling with this grand jury and with Lewis being so fresh... No."

"You make a valid point."

He blinked.

"But still—"

"No," he snapped. "We're done talking about this."

"But—!"

"Done."

* * *

Olivia couldn't help but chew at her lip as she waited outside the courthouse for Calhoun. It was a bad habit of hers but one she didn't have the energy to stave off at the moment. In a few moments, she would know. Either she'd be free or she'd be facing another trial and possible jail time.

 _Don't catastrophize,_ she scolded herself, _I'm sure it'll be_ —

Her head whipped over her shoulder at the sound of the door opening. It was Rita. Olivia's stomach lurched.

"So?" she asked anxiously as Calhoun approached her, "What'd they say?"

"The grand jury refused to return an indictment," Rita grinned, "It's over, Sergeant."

Her eyes fluttered closed. "Oh thank god," Olivia breathed, almost shaky with relief, "Thank god."

Calhoun waited until she was looking at her to speak, "Rumor is Leuitenant Murphy went to bat for you."

Her mouth dropped open, "Really?"

Rita nodded.

"Huh..." After a moment, Olivia shook her head. "Thank you, Rita."

"Don't thank me, it's my job, Olivia," she said gruffly, placing her hand on Benson's arm. "Thank Barba for pestering me into this."

Olivia's smile grew fond before she got a mischievous look on her face, "Barba huh? I heard you prefer calling him a scrawny, loud-mouth smart-ass," she said, eyeing Calhoun for a reaction.

The lawyer shot a sharp look at her. "He told you?"

"Yep," she said with a smirk.

"Bastard," Rita frowned. "Of course he did."

"If it makes you feel better, I think it's hysterical," Olivia said cheekily.

Rita ignored her. _"Anyways_..." she drawled, checking her watch, "I've got a meeting to get to but before I go, a final piece of advice?"

Olivia shrugged, "Why not?"

"Take a break Sergeant," she said simply. "When was the last time you had time to destress?"

"Now you're starting to sound like my therapist."

Calhoun shot her a look, "Your therapist didn't have to pull you away from a speeding taxi. But regardless, a week off to play tourist isn't much Olivia."

Olivia winced at the taxi remark but considered her words. "That's not a bad idea."

"It's my idea, of course it's not bad," Rita quipped before starting down the steps. She only made down two or three before she turned back. "And Olivia?"

"Yes?"

"Rafael gets annoying when he's overworked."

Olivia frowned. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"Whatever you want it to."

With that Rita Calhoun turned and left her there, confused and intrigued.

* * *

The door opened with a jingle as Rafael stepped into Forlini's. As he shrugged his coat off, he immediately spotted Olivia at her regular spot at the bar scrolling through her phone. Just seeing her there eased some of his tension and Rita's words taunted him. _You like Olivia._

He shook his head and made his way over.

"Now _that_ ," Rafael pointed at her wine glass as he sat down next to her, "is your usual."

Olivia pocketed her phone, rolled her eyes, and took a sip of her Merlot. "Is this going to be a thing now?" she asked, "It was one time."

"Maybe it will," he shrugged, nodding to the bartender who went to fix his usual, "It _was_ a fairly memorable 'one time' if I recall correctly."

She grimaced at the reminder, "Don't worry counselor, I'll make sure you won't need to take my keys tonight."

"You sure?" he smirked, "Because I'm pretty sure congratulations are in order. You're cleared!"

Olivia's face broke into a wide grin, "I am! It's finally over."

"It is," he agreed, "So, what can I get you?"

"Nothing for now," she said, "But I reserve the right to take you up on that later."

Rafael grinned, "Sounds good."

The two paused as the bartender placed Barba's drink in front of him before Olivia spoke.

"I still can't believe it was Murphy who saved my ass."

"I heard," Rafael said, taking a sip of his scotch, "He's a good man."

Olivia nodded in agreement, "He's actually going to be sticking around for a while. I'm gonna be his number two."

"Really? What're your thoughts on that?"

Olivia threw her hands up dramatically, "Thank GOD!"

Rafael snorted, "Surely being CO isn't that bad?"

"It's not," she admitted, "But damn is it a weight off my shoulders."

Rafael grinned, "Good. You deserve a break."

"Thanks, Rafael." Olivia gave him an appreciative smile, "Funny you say that. I'm actually planning on taking a week off starting Monday. I'll finally use up some of my many vacation days."

His eyebrows shot up, " _You_ are taking a voluntary vacation? On purpose?!"

"Don't act so surprised," she protested, pouting a little, "I've been known to take a week off here and there."

"'Here and there?'" he quoted dubiously, "More like once in a blue moon," he joked. "I don't think I've _ever_ seen you relaxed. Well, except for when you were passed out in your car."

She scowled and punched him lightly in the arm, "Watch it, Barba, or I won't invite you with me."

"'Invite me?'" The smile slid off his face. "To what?" he breathed.

Her smile grew uneasy. "I was looking into getting tickets to see a show or something... I was going to see if you wanted to come but if you don't want—"

"I do," he blurted out. "I'd love to."

Olivia's eyes crinkled as she smiled, "A little eager there, Counselor."

He could feel his face warming up but he scoffed, "I just appreciate the arts, Benson, don't get too full of yourself."

"Mhmm..." she hummed, "Well, seeing as you're the expert, what do you recommend?"

"Lucky for you, I've got connections," he said smugly.

"Oh, you do, do you?" she said cheekily, leaning forward to quirk her eyebrow at him.

"I do," he said simply. "How do you feel about musical theater?"

* * *

"I still cannot _believe_ that was your first Broadway show," Rafael said, shaking his head as they exited the theater. "And you've lived in New York for how long?"

"Look Rafael, it's not _my_ fault my mother didn't care for these sort of things," she protested as she kept her eye out for a taxi, "And I dare you to find any cops who've seen Les Mis or Cats or Phantom at the Opera."

He couldn't hide his grimace, "Phantom _of_ the Opera Liv, not at."

"Whatever!" she groaned, waving her hand at him as they walked along.

"But you liked it?" he fretted, "I know it was a little long—"

"I did," she reassured him with a smile and a touch of his arm, "I promise."

"Good," he grinned.

She slipped her hand through the crook of his arm. "Are you hungry?" she asked him abruptly.

"I could eat," he decided, ignoring the way his heart rate quickened, "My apartment? Take-out?"

"I was thinking mine actually," Olivia said, "But either's fine."

Rafael shrugged, "Yours it is then."

* * *

Too much wine. She knew it, he knew it. They had had too much wine. Enough to loosen her tongue and enough to leave him grinning like an idiot.

"You," Olivia announced, poking him in the chest, "Are so nice."

Rafael's grin widened, "I am?" he asked, fishing.

"Yep." Olivia made sure to pop the 'p' as she set her empty wine glass down on the coffee table in front of her couch. "I should be embarrassed, huh?"

His eyebrows knit together, "Why?"

"'Cause I cry whenever you're nice to me," she said simply as she tucked her legs underneath her to sit cross-legged. "And you're always nice. Which means I'm always crying."

"You're not crying now," he countered.

Olivia scowled at him, "You are a smart-mouth—No, loud-mouth—"

"I like smart-mouth."

"Smart-ass loud-mouth!" she declared triumphantly, "You're a smart-ass loud-mouth, Rafael Barba!"

He was grinning again, "Guilty as charged, Olivia Benson, but don't forget nice."

"Ugh, I know!" she complained, throwing her hands up, " _Why_ are you so nice?"

"I dunno, maybe because you deserve it?" he snarked, crossing his arms to emphasize how serious he was.

"Do I?" she whispered, suddenly melancholy.

Rafael's eyes narrowed. "Yes. Yes, Olivia, you do."

"I did beat him."

The energy in the room immediately shifted, settling heavily over them both.

"So?" he finally said, "The bastard deserved it."

"Deserve..." she mumbled, "Who decides what people deserve?"

"I do," Rafael stated bluntly, "Right now, I do."

She rolled her eyes at him, "You're drunk."

"So are you!"

She waved him away, "Ahh, you're right. He did deserve it."

"I know."

"But I still beat him."

"And he _kidnapped you!_ "

"I know!" Rafael flinched at her sudden outburst as she glared him down, chest heaving, eyes wet with unshed tears. "I know what he did Rafael, better than anyone and I know, _I know_ , he deserved it... But I still beat a man half to death while he was cuffed!" Her eyes dropped to the floor. "I'm allowed to feel guilty about it, okay?"

"I—I'm sorry," he stammered, "You're right. I just—I wish I could take it away."

"Take what away?" Olivia asked bitterly, "The guilt? The memories? Both?"

He didn't answer.

"Look," she finally said, meeting his gaze, "I know you didn't mean it like that. I shouldn't have yelled."

"It's fine Olivia, really."

"Okay."

They lapsed into an awkward silence.

"So..." Rafael finally drawled, his sluggish mind searching for anything else to say.

"So?"

"So, uh, have you been enjoying your week off?"

She rolled her eyes at him, "God you're awkward."

"Excuse me?"

Olivia grinned, "'How've you been' is all you got?"

"Hey, I'm drunk!" he retorted, "I can be as awkward as I want."

Just as she opened her mouth to tease him, Olivia yawned. "Shit, sorry."

"Damn what time is it?" Rafael asked, patting his pockets for his phone.

"Pretty late..." Olivia frowned at her watch, "You know what, you should just sleep over for the night."

He froze. "What?"

She shot him a look. "On the couch. Weirdo."

His face flushed. "It's fine, I don't—"

"Rafael. You're drunk."

His lips twitched, "Don't forget nice."

"Really drunk," she amended, "I'll get you some sweats."

"Olivia..."

"Don't 'Olivia' me right now," she scolded. "You're sleeping over. And that's final."

With that, she turned and stalked off toward her room.

"You know you're drunk too," he called after her.

He had to strain his ear to catch her response, "Oh, I'm painfully aware of it counselor. Painfully aware."


	10. Showers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sexual tension... That is it. That's the summary.

The first thing Rafael registered as he pried his eyes open was the obvious fact that he was _not_ in his bed. The surface beneath him was too hard, too lumpy, and that was _not_ his ceiling.

"What the...?"

The second thing Rafael registered was his headache.

" _Fuck._ "

"Tell me about it."

By the time his sluggish mind caught up with his body, Rafael was sat up ramrod straight, wincing, and staring over his shoulder at a very relaxed Olivia standing behind her kitchen counter. She was smirking.

"Good morning," she drawled, lifting a mug of something steaming towards him in greeting.

The connection between his brain and his mouth was completely severed. "Shut up, Benson."

Surprisingly, she grinned, "I _knew_ you weren't a morning person!"

He scowled and crossed his arms only for his eyes to widen and his arms to drop. He was _not_ wearing a shirt.

He stared down at his naked chest. "I—Shit."

"Headache?" she asked innocently causing him to look back over to her just as she gravitated around the kitchen counter, "I'm surprised I didn't get one."

He opened his mouth to respond only for his mind to short-circuit as she stepped out from behind the counter in a baggy NYPD t-shirt, a worn cotton robe, and _shorts._ Olivia Benson had _legs. Fuck._

He was gaping now. "I—What?"

She grinned. "I'll take that as a yes. Coffee?" she offered, making her way towards him.

The sight shook him out of his stupor and his eyes widened. His sweatpants—no, fuck, _her_ sweatpants—could only hide so much. He quickly cleared his throat and shook his head. "No, I'm not awake, I'd just spill it."

Olivia thankfully froze and frowned, hugging the warm mug to her chest possessively, "You are _not_ spilling coffee on my couch, Rafael Barba."

"Correct," he snarked, taking the opportunity to grab the blanket bunched up at the other end of the couch. He covertly draped it across his lap. "I'm not spilling anything because _you_ are going to give me the opportunity to _wake up_ and put on a _shirt!_ "

Olivia's lips twitched. "If you have to. Asprin is in the cabinet to the left of the fridge."

"Thank you," he replied stiffly.

Her smile widened, "I think I'm gonna shower."

He swallowed heavily. "You do that."

She quirked an eyebrow at him and turned around to leave only to look over her shoulder at him with a smirk, "I will."

Maybe it was the lingering fog of sleep or maybe it was the powerful rush of blood leaving his brain, but even the threat of her catching him couldn't keep his eyes off her ass.

* * *

Olivia glanced back at her friend as she made her way to her bathroom and smirked to herself again. He looked frazzled as all hell and it was kinda funny. Seeing the normally put-together lawyer with his hair sticking up on one side and his eyes bleary with sleep made him look years younger and... And kinda cute.

He was surprisingly fit.

The thought startled her and Olivia shook her head, frowning at herself as she closed the bathroom door behind her. Rafael was her best friend and she'd clearly made him uncomfortable; it had been written all over his face. She should apologize. She locked the door and hung up her robe as she replayed his pained expression with a guilty squirm in her stomach. Yeah, she should definitely apologize. But not now.

Olivia's shorts dropped to the floor before she pulled her shirt over her head, all the while trying to figure out exactly why she'd decided to tease him. It wasn't too unusual for them to tease each other but not... Not _that_ type of teasing. Telling him she was going to shower after she'd watched his face flush as he realized he was shirtless? Well, that was just _explicitly_ more sexual than anything they'd done before. Maybe it _was_ how surprisingly fit he was. Or maybe, _maybe_ she just hadn't expected the smattering of dark curls across his chest. Maybe it just threw her off. Yeah... Yeah, that was it. In one swift move, her underwear joined the rest of her clothes.

_Is he thinking about me right now? He's right outside..._

_Stop that._

These were dangerous thoughts.

Before she could drift any farther into these dangerous thoughts, Olivia stepped into the shower, squeezed her eyes shut, and turned on the spray, letting the bracingly cold water wash every last one of them away.

* * *

Olivia was driving him crazy.

How, _how,_ was he supposed to get a handle on his _situation_ when he could hear her humming over the sound of her _showering_? Somehow the fact she couldn't carry a tune actually made it worse.

_I wonder if she's loud._

Treacherous thoughts. Lecherous thoughts.

_I bet she is. I bet she curses when she c—Stop that._

Why did she do that? Smile at him like that and tell him she's going to shower?

_She's showering right now. Naked. Touching herself._

God, he wanted to touch himself. He wanted her to want him to touch himself. His hand twitched.

_No. Stop that._

He didn't. His hand closed around his cock and Rafael hissed out a ragged sigh through his teeth as his eyes fluttered shut. His head fell back at the feeling, the image of Olivia's hair growing wet invading his thoughts until—

His phone buzzed and his eyes popped open. He let go of himself as if burned as reality set in and shame further colored his already flushed cheeks.

He had one thought as he went to splash cold water on his face.

God, he was an ass.

* * *

"I'm sorry I was an ass."

"What?" A fully dressed Rafael pulled his head out of her fridge to look at her, confused.

She had no idea how he would take this. "For earlier. I knew you were uncomfortable," she confessed, making her way over to the kitchen to join him as she prayed he wouldn't ask her _Uncomfortable about what?_

He didn't. "Olivia..." he rolled his eyes, "You're fine. So you were ogling at me—"

Her mouth dropped open. "I was not _ogling_ at you!" _Oh god, I was ogling at him_...

"You were and it's okay!" he grinned, adopting a falsely understanding tone, "I know how hard it is wanting all of this—" he gestured at himself, "—and being unable to anything about it."

 _This_ was the teasing she was used to. Olivia scowled at him to hide her relief, "You're so annoying, Barba."

"I'm wounded," he shot back, "And here I thought I was ‘so nice.’"

"You are when you want to be," she countered, enjoying this as she crossed her arms, "When you don't, however..."

"True," he admitted with a shrug, "Lucky for you, I'm in the mood to be nice this morning, ogling or not. Now where the hell is your food?"

"Hey! I already said I wasn't ogling you!"

"Sure," he drawled before repeating himself. "Where is your food?"

Olivia eyed him strangely at the abrupt change in topic, "I don't know about you Rafa, but I usually put food in the fridge," she mocked.

"Rafa's new."

 _What?_ She did a double-take, "What are you talking about?"

"You called me Rafa," he explained, looking a little pleased, "That's new."

Olivia stifled her surprise as words fell from her lips "I saw you half-naked, I can give you a nickname." She swallowed a grimace as she rushed to ask, "Now, why are you asking about my food?"

"You let my drunk ass sleep over here, the least I can do is make you breakfast," he said his voice as shy as she'd ever heard it.

Her first thought was _What the hell? Rafael Barba doesn't do shy._

Her second was _He wants to make me breakfast_.

Olivia smiled, "See? You are nice."

He waved her away, "Whatever. It's not like I can do it though, Liv, your fridge is empty."

She pushed past him to open the door. "Huh. That it is." She turned to him."Well?"

"'Well' what?"

"What's your plan counselor? You don't have to be here and you certainly don't have to make me breakfast. I'm sure you're busy." She hoped he wasn't.

"Is this your way of kicking me out?" he asked.

"No," she said honestly, "I don't mind having you here but you're wearing the same clothes you wore yesterday and I can't feed you."

 _I should've gone shopping yesterday_.

"You make some valid points," he said, "But you've forgotten to consider the fact that I enjoy spending time with you."

Her eyebrows shot up, "Oh."

Now he was embarrassed. "I can go, though, if you're sick of me."

"Surprisingly," she mused, "I'm not."

Her stomach squirmed pleasantly as he gave her a little half-smile. "That's good."

The quiet that settled over them felt charged and hot and Olivia couldn't maintain eye contact anymore.

"Liv?" he murmured.

"Yeah?"

"Do you like bagels?"

* * *

"I can't believe you actually came back. You didn't have to do this," Olivia said happily about an hour later as she took a huge bite of her bagel with cream cheese.

"And yet I did," Rafael said, now wearing a fresh change of clothes. "Don't worry about it, it was on the way and I owed you for last night."

She shot him a look, mouth too full to respond. When she finally swallowed, she pointed at him, "Stop that. You don't need reasons anymore."

"Reasons?"

"You know," she said awkwardly, "To do things together. I'm _glad_ you came back."

"Oh. Okay."

"No more reasons," she emphasized. When he said nothing, she looked at him questioningly, "Yeah?"

He finally smiled, "Yeah. No more reasons."

* * *

So he started showing up at her door. Sometimes with food, sometimes without. Sometimes to talk about work, sometimes just to share a drink and talk (though they never did drink as much as they had that night). And while he never again stayed the night, he still got to see her with her hair damp sometimes and on a rare occasion—he always had to leave early when it happened—she'd wear those fucking shorts. But he never saw both at the same time. Olivia after that shower, hair wet, legs still exposed... That was a memory he had tucked away, a memory he couldn't shake no matter how guilty it made him feel. Not that the memory itself made him feel guilty; he'd behaved himself after that little slip listening to her shower, so it wasn't that that made him feel guilty. No, it was the thoughts it brought with it, the thoughts that drove him to cold showers, the thoughts that filled him with shame because that was his coworker, that was his friend he was envisioning with her legs spread for him, his friend he imagined telling him in a voice rough and hot, to get on his knees for her, Olivia's thighs he desperately wanted wrapped— _Stop it. Shower. Repeat._

So maybe he liked Olivia.

And it wasn't purely physical either. God no. He'd always thought she was attractive and these thoughts were new. No, it was more than her body. It was the way she called him out when no one else would, how she'd get up in his face and tell him that he _better_ have a warrant by the end of the day or _so help me... (Oh, Olivia,_ please _help me.)_ , it was how she interrogated perps, how she rattled them, it was how she _argued_.

Olivia Benson was passion incarnate in a world wrought with apathy. And he _loved it._

But what really got him, what absolutely _killed_ him, was her capacity for compassion. He couldn't understand it, not after everything she'd seen. But he saw it. He saw it in the way she'd talk to victims, how she'd listen to them, help them to trust her. Sometimes—fuck—Sometimes he saw it when she looked at _him_.

He was fucking _falling_ and there wasn't anything he could do about it.

And quite honestly... He didn't want to do anything about it.

So he didn't.


	11. Defensive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After baby boy Doe's birth mother is found, Olivia is disappointed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been working on my Barson Valentine's Day Exchange fic the past two weeks (feel free to check that out when I post it!) so this chapter will be short and sweet. Classes are kicking my butt so unfortunately, I can't make any promises about the next chapter but the second it's written, I'll post it. I hope you like this one... Enjoy!

"Liv?" She was staring off at nothing. Rafael set his chopsticks down and leaned forward. "Olivia... Hello?"

She startled, "Yeah?"

Rafael cocked his head to try and catch her eyes, "You drifted off there."

"I—Yeah," she muttered, shaking her head a little.

His forehead crinkled with concern, dinner forgotten, "What's up? You seem... off."

"Rafa..." Olivia sighed as she picked at her sweet and sour chicken, not looking at him. "Don't."

He frowned at her. "Liv..."

She shot a look at him. "Look, it's nothing. Really."

"Bullshit. Is it Amaro?" _Hothead._ Beating Simon Wilkes in broad daylight? In front of _children?_ Idiot.

She sighed again, "No, although that certainly isn't helping."

 _I can tell._ Rafael nodded, "Okay, then what is it?"

She stared down at her food. "It doesn't matter."

"Clearly it does," he countered. "Or you wouldn't be picking at that chicken. I know that's your favorite."

She gave him a fond smile that faded as she sat up in her chair, "Okay fine. You know baby boy Doe?"

"Yeah, the little boy you found," he said, "You said you've been going to his family court hearings?"

Olivia nodded, "Yeah. Well, it turns out... He has a mother."

His eyebrows shot up, "You found her? That's good!"

She still wasn't looking at him.

_Or not..._

"...Isn't it?"

"Mhmm," she hummed, shrugging as she gave him that strained smile of hers. He really hated when she smiled like that. "It's this girl, Ellie Porter," she finally said, "She's a DNA match."

When she didn't continue, he spoke, "How did you find her?"

Her expression darkened. "We arrested her. She set up a tourist to be robbed and raped." Disgust twisted her face, "We need her to testify against her pimp but she won't give him up. She's an addict, a repeat offender, and apparently a _mother_." She stabbed a piece of chicken with venom.

Rafael swallowed heavily before speaking, "And you're not," he concluded.

Her head shot up to glare at him. "Stop that," she snapped, "You're not my therapist."

He winced. "Sorry."

She waved his apology away. "You're right though. Ever since I found that little boy..." Her voice trailed off until—

"Do you want kids?"

"What?"

"Children," she stated, "Do you want to have children?"

"One day?" he clarified cautiously, "Maybe."

She nodded slowly. "Only maybe?"

His eyes dropped to his carton of fried rice. "Depends on what my partner would want," he admitted, "But I love kids."

Her surprise was evident, "Really?"

He shrugged, "Yeah."

"I didn't know that."

"You never asked," he pointed out with a little half-smile.

She smiled at that, "I suppose you got me there. But still... I guess I had you wrong."

"Guess so."

After a pause, Olivia blurted out "How many?"

"How many kids?"

She nodded.

"Why?" he asked, eyeing her strangely.

She shrugged, "Just curious."

"Mhmm..." he hummed smiling a bit, "One. Or two."

She nodded.

"You?"

"Same," she said, "But I—I can't have kids and until now..."

 _Until now?_ Rafael looked at her curiously.

"Brian didn't want kids," she explained. "When I thought I was pregnant..." She looked a little wistful.

His face grew stony.

When she looked up at him, he was still scowling.

"What—?"

_Shit._

He forced his expression to relax but not before her eyes were narrowed and she was studying him, causing his stomach to squirm uncomfortably. Her expression grew thoughtful. "You never liked Brian."

"So?" He winced. _Too defensive._

"Why didn't you—"

"He was an ass."

She frowned at him.

"What?" he asked, "It's true."

She ignored that. "When I told you I had thought I was pregnant, you—"

"I was there."

She was scowling now, "Let me _talk!_ "

"Sorry."

"When I told you I had thought I was pregnant," she repeated, "you looked shocked."

"Well, it _was_ shocking," he said defensively.

"Not _that_ shocking," she countered. "It's not like I was single. This might come as a shock to you, Rafa, but people have sex when they're—"

"I get it," he snapped.

"Do you, Barba?"

"Oh, so we're back to Barba now?"

"Stop deflecting," she scolded, "I told you I had thought I was pregnant, and then _you_ stopped calling."

His mouth opened only to snap closed.

"Why didn't you talk to me after that? Why did you treat me like shit through the Josh Galloway trial?" she asked, "Tell me. Honestly."

His face was officially red, "You know why."

"Do I?" she whispered.

"Olivia..." he warned, "Don't go there."

"I—" She took in his flushed face with a twinge of guilt, "Fine."

They lapsed into an awkward silence until—

"You really love kids?"

"Yeah," he said, "I really do."

She smiled broadly at him.

He cleared his throat awkwardly and changed the subject. She, thankfully, let him.

It was hours later when she was seeing him out that she brought it up once more.

"Before you go," Olivia said, stopping him with a hand on his arm, "Come here."

He quirked an eyebrow at her as she opened her arms to him but obliged, allowing himself to wrap his arms around her. Her scent was almost overwhelming pleasant as he sunk into her embrace only to stiffen seconds later when her lips brushed against his cheek.

"You don't need to be jealous Rafa," she whispered. "Of Cassidy."

He pulled back, heart hammering away, to find her biting her lip, cheeks pink. "You don't."

He swallowed heavily.

"Who said I was jealous?"

She rolled her eyes and closed the door.


	12. I Can Help

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rafael helps Olivia with Noah.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for the wait on this one, but hopefully I'll make up for it with this chapter. Let me know what you think!

All he'd gotten was a single call. A single, elated, semi-informative, brief little call before the radio silence. Not that he could blame her.

Olivia Benson had a child.

_Rafael glanced down at the caller ID and smiled before accepting the call."Hey, Liv—"_

_She sounded out of breath, "Shut up. Rafa you won't—"_

_His eyebrows shot up, "Excuse me?"_

_"—believe what just—God, I'm shaking, I can't believe—"_

_Now he was concerned, "Shaking?"_

_"It was judge Linden, it was all her. I can't believe this—"_

_"Olivia!"_

_She stopped her excited rambling._

_"What the hell," he blurted, "is going on?"_

_The dam broke once more. "It's Noah," she gushed, "The boy. Baby boy Doe. With Ellie gone and no family... Rafael." He could almost hear her smiling, "I'm going to be a foster mother."_

The shock in his silence had been nothing compared to the happiness in her voice. This was everything she'd ever wanted and everything she deserved. When he'd told her that, she'd cried.

_"Tears of j-joy for once," she sniffled with a wet laugh, "Joy, Rafa."_

_His eyes crinkled as he smiled, "I know, Liv. I know. So tell me... What happens now?"_

All he'd gotten out of her before she hung up on him was the fact she'd be taking baby Noah home that night, a rattled-off list of things she needed to buy, and a hasty farewell. She hadn't called him since.

Which was completely understandable, of course. From the very few harried texts he'd gotten, he could tell she had her hands full with her new baby. So he gave her some space. But now it was three days later on a Saturday night and Rafael was standing outside her door listening to the muffled wail of Olivia's baby boy.

He'd give her space later.

He knocked on the door, "Liv? Can you hear me? It's Rafael."

Damn, did that boy— _Noah,_ he remembered—have some lungs on him.

He knocked again. "Olivia?"

The crying grew louder and then the door was thrown open revealing a disheveled, red-faced Olivia Benson holding this adorable little boy with brown hair and tear-soaked, chubby little cheeks. Rafael's expression softened.

Her greeting was short and clipped. "I don't have time for this."

His lips quirked as his eyes met hers, "Hello to you, too."

"Rafa, I don't. Have. Time for this," she called over Noah's wails as she bounced on her toes a bit to try and settle him. She looked seconds away from crying herself.

"Olivia..." he soothed, trying to get her to look at him. "C'mon."

"Stop it," she snapped, her lip quivering as she tried to close the door on him. "Just go away."

He shoved his foot in the way, stopping her, "Olivia, I can _help."_

She was rubbing Noah's back now, staring at him with exhausted eyes. "You can really help?"

He nodded.

She gazed at him for a long while before caving in and giving him a sharp nod. "Fine. Come in."

Relief flooded his body as she stepped aside to let him in. His heart clenched to hear Noah whimpering unhappily.

"Tell me what's wrong," he said, shrugging his coat off as he better took in her weary expression and stained clothes. She had bags under her eyes and she clearly hadn't showered in a while.

"I don't know what I'm doing," she cried, her voice rough with emotions as it all spilled out, "I've fed him, I've changed him, but he won't go to sleep. He's just so upset and I don't know what to—Ow!"

Rafael winced as he watched Noah grab a handful of her hair only to burst into renewed tears seconds later at her pained yelp. Before she could do anything, Rafael was there, using gentle hands to loosen the boy's iron grip on her hair. "Shh..." he hummed in a soft voice, "C'mon now, Noah, that's right, let go of your mommy's hair." His voice changed, "Let me take him Liv, please."

Olivia sucked in a shaky breath and nodded; her face was anxious as she let Rafael take Noah gently away from her. "Be careful."

"I will."

Noah's cries grew quieter as Rafael hugged him to his chest, shushed him, and rubbed his back, all the while smiling softly at Olivia. He'd never seen her quite so disheveled before... _God, she's gorgeous._ She held his gaze for a beat too long before her eyes flitted away. "How are you doing that?" she whispered, massaging her scalp.

He shrugged, "Babies like me. Isn't that right, Noah?" he asked.

Noah whined a little in answer, his little nose all screwed up as he waved his fists.

"Hmm..." Rafael frowned, looking at Olivia accusatorily, "What have you been telling him, Benson?" he joked.

Her lips twitched as she rolled her eyes at him.

Rafael grinned. "Joking. Hey, his onesie is all sweaty, we should get him changed."

"We?" Olivia gave him a blank look, slightly confused.

His eyes widened a little. Shit. "You. Sorry."

She shook her head rapidly as if trying to dislodge something, "Sorry, you're fine, you're right," she said finally, running her hands through her hair before turning almost robotically towards her bedroom as he followed carrying Noah. "God, I'm tired."

"Not sleeping?"

"Not really," she said opening her bedroom door, "I'm sorry it's such a mess," she said over her shoulder as she made her way to her closet, by-passing a clearly new blue crib.

"Don't worry about it," he said sincerely, stepping over some empty boxes and smiling at Noah who had grabbed a hold of his shirt, "It's not that bad."

She stared pointedly at the boxes and discarded clothes littering her floor before she shot a doubtful look at him, turning back to face him holding a fresh onesie. "Whatever you say, Barba. Here," she said, motioning at him to hand Noah over, "I'll get him changed."

He nodded. When she took Noah from Rafael, he placed his hand on her shoulder. "When was the last time you ate?" he asked quietly.

"I—" she paused, stumped, "I don't remember."

He wasn't surprised, "I'm ordering take-out," he decided.

"Rafa..."

"Don't argue. I'll get it while you get him changed."

To anyone else, she would've looked exasperated but he couldn't miss her quiet gratitude, "...Fine. It may take a while to get him down," she warned.

He waved her off, "Don't worry about it. I don't have anywhere to be. If you don't mind that is," he added.

"It's fine, just don't expect me to be able to carry a conversation," she smiled, eyes on Noah as she stroked his hair, "And I'm showering first."

Rafael couldn't ignore the warmth in his chest as he responded, "I think I can live with that."

* * *

Olivia couldn't help reliving the feeling of Rafael's fingers in her hair as she watched his fingers deftly untie their large bag of take-out. There had been something so disarming about seeing him like that, hearing his voice grow all soft and sweet as he talked to Noah, feeling the heat of his body so close to hers. And the way he'd looked at her as he quieted her beautiful baby—

"Noah's lucky to have you."

She looked up at him from her spot on the couch. "What?"

"Noah's lucky," Rafael said, holding out a container of pad Thai for her. She took it without speaking. "He is, Liv, you know that right?"

She let the silence linger a little before speaking. "You know, I've tried to adopt before." Olivia kept her eyes trained downwards as she pulled off the cover of her food.

"I didn't," Rafael said, his tone one of surprise. "What happened?"

_"Are you Ms. Benson?" the redheaded woman asked as she flipped open a file._

_Olivia nodded, her stomach in knots._

_"It says here—Ahh..." She flipped the file closed._

_Olivia's stomach began to sink. The woman had that_ look _on her face. The slight frown, the cocked head, the forced, significant eye-contact... Fuck. This wasn't good._

 _"I'm really sorry Ms. Benson but it looks like we_ _cannot approve your application for adoption."_

_Olivia blinked._

_"I'm afraid we had some concerns about your ability to care for a child with the pressures of your job."_

_Her chest ached._

_"Again. I really am sorry."_

_"Yeah. Me too."_

Olivia looked up at Rafael. "The agency didn't think I was fit to be a mother," she murmured, "Didn't think I'd be able to prioritize my child."

"Well, they were wrong," Rafael said bluntly, making his way over to sit next to her. "They were dead wrong."

"Yeah..." she whispered, a little melancholy. "They were."

The silence that settled over them was a heavy one and Olivia found her walls crumbling under its weight as she set her pad Thai onto her coffee table. "I missed you," she muttered, scooting up against a surprised Rafael. When his body tensed she leaned back to look at him, "Sorry. Can I...?" she mumbled, gesturing at him.

"I—Yeah," he whispered, "Let me just put this..." he placed his carton of unopened fried rice next to her pad Thai. "Okay," he said, opening his arms for her, "C'mere."

As she curled up next to him, her eyes fluttered shut and she laid her head against his chest, tucking her legs up onto the couch as he looped his arm around her. His warmth was steady and comforting underneath her as she shifted a little, bringing her hand up to grip his shirt.

"I missed you too," Rafael murmured, pressing a kiss against her hair.

A shiver ran up her spine and her eyes flew open when he tucked a lock of her hair behind her ear. Their eyes met.

"Rafa?" she breathed.

"Mhmm...?" he hummed, inching closer.

"Thank you."

"For what?"

She could feel his breath on her lips.

"Everything."

And then he kissed her.


	13. Frustration

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Oh my god, what are we doing?"

Their kiss was like summer rain. Slow and light at first, their curious lips barely touching, his fingers dancing lightly up her arm with one hand, the palm of his other cupping her cheek. Slow and light and steady until her lips parted and his hands wound their way through her hair instead and suddenly she was moaning and he was leaning forward, covering her body with his and now it was _her_ hands tangled in _his_ hair. Slow and light until it was fast and heavy and _Fuck, Olivia_ and _Jesus, Rafa_ and—

"Oh my god, what are we _doing?"_

They froze. It was as if they'd been doused in cold water. Soaked with frigid, winter rain.

He scrambled off from on top of her, heart pounding. She was leaning back against the couch staring at him, shocked. He was kneeling between her legs.

"We can't—We can't _do this,_ Rafa!"

Her shirt had ridden up. He could still taste her, smell her, _feel_ her. And he was kneeling between her _legs._

"Barba!" she snapped.

His name cut through him like a knife; Rafael shook his head rapidly.

"Sorry, fuck, Olivia—"

"Can you _move?"_

His body immediately jolted back. "Sorry, sorry. Olivia—"

She held up a hand, cutting him off as she sat up, using her other hand to put her shirt down. "Just don't."

"Liv..."

"I can't. _We_ can't," she shook her head. "You and Noah, you're all I have. I _can't_ do this."

His mouth opened only to snap shut. Her head dropped into her shaking hands and his heart lurched.

"Olivia..." he murmured softly, cautiously bringing his hand up towards her. "Look at me."

Her head shot up to shoot a sharp look at him, "Stop," she looked away, "Just... don't. Please."

He took in her pleading expression and caved, "Fine. But we need to talk about this," he implored, "Please."

"Not now." The set of her jaw and her narrowed eyes challenged him to try something.

He held his hands up. "Okay, okay. Not now then." A pause. "Can we at least finish our dinner?" he asked, tentatively.

Her eyes flicked away. "I don't think that's a good idea."

He frowned but nodded slowly, "Okay then." As his eyes searched her face, she swallowed heavily. "I'll go."

"Okay."

The quiet was deafening as he gathered up his things; Olivia's eyes didn't waver as she stared at her feet. It was only when he made towards the door that she looked up.

"Rafa," she blurted out. "Are we okay?"

She was biting her lip. Her swollen lips. "We can't ignore this," he said slowly, "But yes. We're okay."

She nodded. "Okay... Okay, good."

He didn't move, looking at her expectantly.

"I promise we will talk," she sighed, reading his mind. "Just... not now."

It was his turn to nod as he turned to leave. It was seconds after he opened the door that he turned back to her with a serious look. The pleading intensity in his eyes as they studied hers sent a chill down her spine. "I'll be here when you're ready to talk."

She blinked. And then he was gone.

* * *

The hand he ran down his face was shaking as Rafael sat up in bed, his sheets pooling on his lap.

Not again.

This was the third night in a row he'd dreamt of her. Of them. He could still feel her fingers ghosting down his chest, still hear her breathing his name, still smell her hair as it swung forward, her body climbing on top of him.

He couldn't do this.

He wanted more. God he wanted more. He wanted to kiss her again, to hold her, to _be with her_. And she'd pushed him away.

But not before she'd drawn him closer.

Rafael fell back onto his back and stared up at the ceiling. The other night... She'd wanted that. Liked that even. He could tell. When he'd kissed her, she'd kissed him back. Hard.

Like he was. Then and now.

When he finally wrapped his hand around his cock, his frustration having worn him down, he thought of that. Of then, of now, and of what he wanted to be.

* * *

Olivia prided herself on her ability to compartmentalize. It was a skill she'd honed over years, a skill she relied on to get her through the harder days, the harder cases. It was a skill that rarely failed her. So it was particularly frustrating when she kept slipping. Slipping back into the memory of Rafael's body on top of hers, his lips hot on her neck, his hands running up her sides. Slipping back into these thoughts as she laid in bed at night or when she happened to glance at her couch. Or any couch really. It was so, so, so _frustrating_.

She didn't have time to think about this.

So she threw herself into catching Ellie's killer. She needed to. She had to catch him. For her, for Noah, for Ellie.

Being trapped in a car with Rafael Barba for six-hours wasn't supposed to be a part of that.

Olivia was sweating now; they'd already gone over the ins and outs of the case, talked at length about Noah and her new sitter Lucy, talked about stopping for lunch... She was running out of topics. It was only a matter of time before—

"So... The other night."

She swallowed heavily. "What about it?"

"Don't be cute," Rafael chastised, frowning, "You know exactly what I'm talking about."

"I haven't thought about it," she said evasively.

He wasn't having it. "Bullshit, Liv. Bullshit."

"I really haven't," she protested, "Between Noah and this case... I haven't, Rafa. Not in the way I want to."

He still looked skeptical; when her expression didn't waver, he sighed. "Okay. Think about it now then."

She shot a look at him, "Really?"

"We've got, what? Another 3 hours 'til we get to Attica? Why not?"

She eyed him warily. "Fine."

Anything he could've possibly said was cut off as Olivia immediately went to crank up the volume on the radio. Rafel frowned.

"Really Liv?" he asked, smirking as little as Taylor Swift drowned out everything else.

She flushed a little, "What?" she protested, "I like her."

He leaned over and turned the volume down. "I don't."

"Driver chooses the music, Rafa, everyone knows that," Olivia said turning the dial once more.

"And if the passenger's ears are bleeding, what then?" he asked, grinning a little as her hand smacked his away from the dashboard.

"Then the passenger _deals with it_ , Rafael Barba," she warned, unable to hide the way her lips twitched too. "Now do you want me to think or not?"

"Fine. Think away."

Her smile slowly faded away as she continued to drive.

* * *

In his defense, Rafael had tried to give her space—or at least as much as he could when he was trapped less than a foot from her. He lasted a while too. But then she started humming. The last time he'd heard her humming had been the morning after he'd slept over. She was just as off-key now as she'd been then. And it was just as adorable. His heart clenched and his stomach squirmed as overwhelming affection crashed over him.

"Why'd you stop us?" he blurted out.

She startled, looking over at him. "What?"

"Why'd you stop us?" he repeated, turning the music down, "On your couch."

Her eyes grew distant. "I don't—Rafael..."

He continued to stare her down; she kept her eyes on the road.

"Rafael..." she repeated. "I thought you were letting me think."

He shrugged, "Yeah, well, I got impatient."

Olivia let out a surprised laugh. "I can see that."

"So?" he prompted, leaning forward a bit.

Her smile immediately faded. "I had to stop us," she said finally.

Rafael's stomach began to sink. "Had to?"

"This goes beyond just us Rafael, you know that," she said uncomfortably, dodging the question, "We have our work to worry about. And I have Noah now."

"You think I don't know that?" he asked softly.

"I'm not saying that," she frowned, "I'm just saying if we let this-this slip get in the way—"

"'Slip?'" he asked, his eyebrows flying up.

"—of everything we have..."

 _Slip?_ Irritation and something suspiciously similar to hurt flared up in his chest. "So that's what that was? A 'slip,' a lapse in judgment?"

She winced, "I—Look, you're twisting my words now."

"Am I?" he shot back.

"Yes! I—fuck Raf, you _know_ I liked it. A lot," she flushed, "But I care about you. About _us_."

"So what?" he asked, pointedly ignoring her pink cheeks, "We pretend nothing happened? Pretend this doesn't change anything?"

"Yes?" A pause. "No. Maybe?" she grimaced, her voice uncharacteristically unsure. Her fingers began to tap away against the wheel. "I don't know."

"Really?" he asked, his voice incredulous.

"What _should_ we do, Rafa?" she demanded, getting a little heated. "You can't ask me to risk this, you just can't. I need this to work. For us to work."

His expression softened. "Olivia..."

"Don't do that."

"Do what?" he asked.

"That," she said, gesturing over in his general direction.

"Okay, okay." He put his hands up in surrender, "I'll shut up."

Maybe she was right.

"You—Fuck," she started a moment later, "You're my best friend. I don't know when that happened but you are."

"I—"

"Let me finish. You're my best friend Rafael. I don't what it is about you exactly but I've told you things I've never told anyone else. And not just about Lewis either. I rely on you."

His body was frozen, his heart was pounding.

"That's why we can't do this."

His expression grew slightly wooden.

"Not yet."

He blinked.

"I need time. To adjust. Before I can think of anything else. Okay?"

 _Time. Anything... Anything else._ Her words were echoing in his ears. Rafael nodded dumbly. "Okay," he managed.

"Okay?" she asked again, a little surprised at his simple response.

He nodded. "Yeah. Yeah. Time. I can do that."

A small smile curled her lips. "Good."

As quiet fell over them, his eyes drifted from her face to the window to see a cloudy sky. It looked like rain.


	14. Tempting Fate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rafael checks in on Olivia and Noah after the drive-by shooting at the playground. (During Season 16 ep 1, Girls Disappeared)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys so much for the reviews, they mean so much! I hope this chapter satisfies.

Olivia sent Lucy home early that night, partly for her sake—the poor girl was still jumpy—but mostly so she could hold her son. It was surprising really, Lucy. While shaken, getting shot at actually hadn't scared her off.

It had terrified Olivia though. The drive to that playground... All she could think about at that moment was Noah. Noah and the threat she'd brushed off as nothing.

_Impatience propelled her body forward and Olivia leaned in towards Little Tino. She was done messing around and her voice was dripping with it. "Who ordered Ellie killed?" she demanded._

_Little Tino didn't blink. "Why are you so worried about that dead whore?" he asked softly, a knowing look in his eye. "It worked out pretty good for you."_

Noah. _Dread began to pool in her stomach as she cocked her head to the side. "Excuse me?" she breathed._

_"I heard you got a baby out of it," Tino smiled._

_Before she could speak, Rafael did. His voice was low, dangerous, "Where did you hear that?"_

_Little Tino ignored him. "You love that little baby?" he warned._

_The dread in her gut began to freeze as she sank back in her seat blinking rapidly and reflexively turning to look up at Rafael. He looked livid._

_"Are you stupid enough to threaten a sergeant's family in front of a DA when he's offering you a deal?" he spat, getting up in Little Tino's face._

_The man was unfazed; his eyes were still trained on Olivia. "All I'm saying is, if I was you, I'd leave this alone."_

She hadn't. She hadn't and it had almost killed her son.

 _But it didn't,_ she reminded herself as she soaked in the warmth of Noah laying on her chest, his tiny hands gripping at her shirt, at her hair. _He's okay._

Noah let out a small gurgling noise against her shoulder as Olivia ran her hand up and down his back. "You're okay, sweet boy, hm?" she murmured softly.

Noah burped in response and Olivia let out a huff of amusement, "Mmm, I'll take that as a yes," she smiled, leaning back a little to look at his face. "You're okay," she breathed.

As Olivia laid Noah back down onto her chest with a hum of relief, a knock sounded out at the door. Her head jerked up in surprise. "Who's that, Noah?" she asked softly, shifting her arms until she was holding him more securely before she stood and made her way towards the door.

The tension in her shoulders faded as she peeked through her peephole.

She opened the door. "We're okay Rafa."

"I had to see for myself," Rafael said, pushing past her as he shrugged his coat off.

She shut the door behind him with an amused look on her face as he hung his coat up and slid his shoes off. "Why don't you come on in, Rafael?" she asked dryly.

"Thanks, I will," he shot back, his voice just as dry as hers as he made his way over to her. His smile faded. "You're sure you're okay?" he asked softly, placing his hands on her shoulders.

Her eyes squeezed shut and she nodded, "A little shaken, but okay."

"And Noah?"

"He's good, right Noah?" Olivia asked softly, smiling when he turned toward the sound of her voice. "Yeah," she breathed, "He's okay."

The tension in Rafael's body faded a little and he dropped his hands from her shoulders. "Good."

"Yeah, thank—" Olivia's voice cut off with a huge yawn. "Damn, sorry."

"Tired, huh?" Rafael asked sympathetically.

"You could say that," she said, making her way over to her couch. When he continued to stand instead of sitting next to her, she gave him a look. "Well?"

"I'll stay standing, thank you," he deadpanned, a mischievous glint in his eyes.

"You're joking," Olivia said, rolling her eyes.

His lips twitched, "Can never be too careful," he quipped, eyes flicking to the couch, "Wouldn't want to tempt fate now would we?"

"You're an ass," she snapped, her cheeks growing pink.

"Yep," he grinned.

"That's okay," Olivia said, hugging Noah to her chest as she pulled her legs onto the couch and leaned back against the arm of the couch, "We'll just pretend he's not there," she said, "Right Noah?"

Rafael frowned, ignoring the warmth in his chest at the sight of her and her baby, "Well that's rude."

"Did you hear something, No?" Olivia smirked, leaning Noah back against her legs.

"Fine, fine," Rafael rolled his eyes, "I'll sit on the couch."

"Good." Olivia didn't change her position as he sat at the other end of the couch. "How was your day?"

Rafael gave a noncommital shrug. "Could be worse. Better now that I know you and Noah are okay. You scared me."

Olivia grimaced, "Sorry about that."

"It's fine," he assured her. "Wanna talk about it?"

"Right now? No," she shook her head, "Right now all I want is to hold my boy and listen to you talk."

Rafael quirked an eyebrow, "You sure about that?" he asked doubtfully.

She nodded.

"Okay then," he agreed, "I'll try not to bore you then."

"And I," she smirked, "will try not to pass out."

It didn't work.

Olivia barely lasted an hour of quiet conversation before she'd begun nodding off. Naturally, Rafael had noticed right away but he didn't comment, just nodding when she'd stood up clumsily with Noah. She could barely stifle a yawn as she'd told him not to rush off, that she'd just put him down and be right back. A part of him had vaguely wondered if she'd actually make it back when she'd wandered in, collapsed on the couch next to him, and passed out.

She looked years younger. The warmth in his chest almost ached as Rafael took in the sight of her, her hair sprawled against the arm of the couch, her features relaxed. Her arms were tucked to her chest and her legs had slowly unraveled until she had his legs pinned to the couch with hers. Which was only a little unfortunate. He would've— _should've_ , he scolded himself—left earlier but he hadn't wanted to disturb her. He checked his watch.

It was getting late.

Rafael let out a sigh before moving slowly, gently lifting her legs off of his as he watched the way a single strand of her hair fluttered when she breathed. He held his breath as he slowly let go of her legs and stood, his eyes trained on her face.

Olivia sighed and shifted, but didn't wake.

He let out a sigh of his own and turned towards the doorway, unable to stop himself from glancing back at her. _When had things changed_ , he wondered as he bent over to grab his shoes. When had she turned from a colleague to... to this?

Just as his back straightened, his shoes on, a small noise caught his attention and he turned back to her, half-expecting to find her blinking slowly at him with a grumpy look on her face. Instead, she was still sleeping. She let out a small groan.

His breath caught.

He needed to leave.

"Mmm... yes."

 _Jesus._ He _really_ needed to leave. Instead, he stood there, frozen.

The last time he'd heard her breathe those words... Well, was on that couch. That fucking couch. The things they could do on that couch...

_Not yet._

Her words whispered through his mind and he shook his head rapidly. What the hell was he doing? Cursing himself, Rafael grabbed his coat and tugged it on angrily. He didn't trust himself to look back as he opened the door.

"Rafael?"

He turned back to her; her voice was thick was sleep, her eyes hooded as she pushed herself up into a seated position.

He cleared his throat, "Sorry to wake you Liv."

"You didn't," she shook her head slowly. "Going home?" she asked.

"Yeah, it's late."

She hummed in agreement. "I should probably move to my bed, huh?"

"Probably," he nodded, ignoring the compelling image of her in said bed.

"Mmm..." she hummed, "Well... G'night Rafael."

He gave her a shy smile, "Sleep well Liv."

"See you tomorrow?" she asked hopefully.

His smile spread, "Yeah. See you then."

The last thing he saw before the door swung shut was Olivia, stretching, a sliver of skin showing as her shirt rode up.

His eyes closed as the door did. And then he left.

* * *

They both woke that night. Rafael with a groan, his back soaked with sweat, Olivia with a gasp, her cheeks hot.

Maybe his guilt wouldn't have been so sharp if he'd known she'd dreamt of it too. Dreamt of deep, lingering kisses, of groans and whispers and their names turned into drawn-out filthy things in the other's mouths. Of arching backs, curled toes, and her hips bucking as his tongue dipped between her legs. Maybe she wouldn't have felt so dirty when her fingers dipped there instead if she'd known his hand was wrapped around his cock at that very moment.

Maybe.

But they didn't, so they did.


	15. A Loss for Words

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Olivia comes to a surprising realization and Nick gets nosy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shout out to @immen_sity for smashing down my writer's block with some beautiful suggestions! Love ya!  
> This chapter is one of my personal favorites, I hope you guys like it too.

It had been during one of their late-night phone calls that Rafael had let out a heavy sigh and exasperatedly told her, "I have never met someone so observant and yet so utterly dense, Olivia." She had let out a defensive "Hey!" and argued, of course, but lately, she was starting to wonder if he was right.

Until she knew he was.

That day had started with a cry and a groan and it hadn't gotten much better from there. The cry she had expected—Noah had just started teething and it was making him miserable—but the groan she couldn't help as she'd rolled over to see the glow of her alarm clock. He'd woken her up about 3 hours after she'd crawled into bed. Which was fine. Not helpful by any means, but fine.

What wasn't fine was the burning hot coffee she had spilled on her favorite shirt on her way to work just a few short hours later. What wasn't fine was the fact that she'd had nothing to change into but a fucking tank top. What wasn't fine was the looks she'd gotten as she stormed into the precinct in said tank top, unsure of what had burned hotter, the coffee or her cheeks. It was only later, when she was fighting a migraine and her increasing irritation, that she realized she'd forgotten to get a refill.

Unfortunately, it was Rafael who then caught the brunt of her frustration that afternoon when he made the mistake of pointing out to her that No, he could _not_ get her a warrant "just because you say so, Liv."

It had not been the right thing to say.

By the time she had finished explaining exactly where he could put his _fucking attitude,_ his mouth had been slack, his eyes had been blinking with surprise, and he'd been at a complete loss for words. She'd turned on her heel and left before he could even draw a breath to speak.

But now it was her turn. Now it was her mouth that was slack, it was her blinking with surprise, it was her at a complete loss for words.

She really was so utterly dense.

Her eyes were wet as Olivia stared down at the bag of take-out on her desk. She didn't have to read the yellow sticky note that went with it to know who it was from. She picked up the note anyways and read in a loopy script, _Shoving my 'fucking attitude' up my ass seemed like a lot of work so I got you this instead_.

A delighted bubble of laughter escaped her lips as Olivia sank into her desk chair shaking her head. Oh god, she was dense. How could she be so _blind?_ She should've seen it coming, this overwhelming affection. She brought a hand up to cover her mouth as she reread his note.

_I got you this instead._

Of course, he would. _Of course,_ he would. Her chest was tight with emotion as Olivia opened her desk drawer and carefully stuck the note against the wood there. She grabbed the tape dispenser off her desk and tore off two pieces of tape, gingerly spreading the tape along the edges of the sticky note, effectively affixing it to the inside of her desk drawer.

God, she was dense.

This tight feeling, the tears in her eyes, the lump in her throat? No one else could draw such emotion from her. No one else. No one but Rafael Barba. And all he'd done was buy her dinner.

Olivia kept her desk drawer open and turned to the paper bag waiting there for her, drowning in the realization that maybe, just maybe, she liked Rafael Barba.

* * *

A small smile tugged at her lips as Olivia stared absentmindedly at her computer screen, her fingers compulsively tracing the outline of her sticky note. How strange she looked sitting there, her hand stuck in her desk drawer, went completely over her head as she zoned out, thinking of everything and nothing all at the same time. Until someone knocked at her door making her jump.

Nick stuck his head in, "Hey, Liv," he smiled, "You have a sec?"

She yanked her hand out of her desk drawer as if it were filled with boiling water. "Oh, yes, fine, come in!" She closed the drawer shut as Nick closed the door behind him. "What's up, Nick?"

He shrugged, smiling a little, "Nothing really, I just—We haven't caught up in a while. I miss you or whatever," he said with a lopsided smile.

She felt a rush of affection for her once-partner as he sank into the chair in front of her. "Same. Or whatever," she grinned.

He rolled his eyes at her before saying, "So how's Noah been, is he still doing alright?"

"He's doing better," Olivia said, "His breathing has been stable, the doctors are satisfied with his progress."

"You sure? This morning looked rough," he commented a little cautiously.

Olivia let out an unamused laugh, "Oh, you would _not_ believe the morning I had but that had nothing to do with Noah luckily. He's really been doing so much better."

"That's great," he smiled, "Really, Liv." He paused. "Must be why you're so happy lately." His voice was decidedly nosy.

Olivia eyed him, "Yeah. Must be."

A knowing smirk began to grow on Nick's face as his eyes flicked to her now-empty take-out containers. She said nothing.

"Where'd you get the take-out?"

Her eyes narrowed. "Why?"

"Just curious," he snarked, clearly enjoying himself.

"'Just curious' my ass," she frowned, "You saw him bring it in, didn't you?"

"Maybe," he grinned, "So... Barba, huh?"

"What about him?"

Nick shifted in his chair, "You two seem friendly."

She said nothing again.

"What'd he write on the sticky note?"

Her cheeks were getting warm now, "None of your business."

"Well, that's no fun," he crossed his arms, "C'mon Liv..."

"Is this what this was really about?" she demanded, "So much for 'I missed you, Liv.'"

"Hey..." he said seriously, "I do miss you. I'm just curious that's all. It _is_ Barba after all."

She sighed. "It's really none of your business, Nick."

"But it could be," he countered, "Isn't that a conflict of interest Liv?"

Olivia immediately bristled, her eyebrows flying up in surprise. "Excuse me?" she breathed.

Nick put his hands up, "I'm just saying Liv."

Her jaw clenched. "And all I'm 'just saying' is that if I have to tell you it's none of your business one more time..." Her voice trailed off threateningly.

He took the hint. "Okay, okay. I'll back off."

"Good," she said, crossing her arms as he stood to leave.

He turned to her again. "Just one more thing."

"Amaro..." she warned.

"Ignoring what I said... It's nice."

Olivia blinked. "What?"

He smiled, opened the door, and spoke, "Seeing you so happy." He left her sitting, once again at a loss for words.


End file.
